unlucky

     so you may have noticed a tendency for me to talk about my frustrations with my love life. that's because it's never not frustrating. all the other areas of my life will wax and wane, going between being really good and being really difficult. but my love life has always sucked ass. it's really frustrating to never have felt like you had a really good moment in your love life when you're 29. all my other friends have had serious relationships, some have been married and had kids. and even if their relationships failed and ended in heartbreak, at least they really got to experience being in love with someone who loves them back. i have never had that. i've just felt so unlucky in love.

     i've only had 3 short relationships; the first two were only 2 months long and the third was 5 months long. none of them ever called me their girlfriend or told me they loved me. they only person i was ever in love with never loved me back. all i got from him was a half-hearted "haha! i love ya, katie" after i told him something silly and weird. i'm sorry but "i love ya" is not what i wanted to hear. that's not the same thing as someone looking you in the eyes and seriously saying "i love you." ugh, really? "ya?!?" what a douche bag. you can take your "ya" and shove it up your ass. 

     i feel like i've been on a million dates over the past 12 years. most of the time it's just awkward and horrible and i can't even imagine seeing the guy again. on the very few occasions where i go on a few dates with a guy and start to think that there might be some potential for a real relationship with them, life gets in the way and it all falls to pieces. it literally feels like there is some external force that's screwing me over. i don't know if it's the universe, fate, god, aphrodite, or just dead relatives butting in, but they can go fuck themselves. shockingly, i don't like always being alone. it fucking sucks. even when all i wanna do is just have some fun and not get too serious with anyone, life still manages to make that an impossible feat too. 

     the past couple years that i have been in grad school have been really frustrating and stressful. and the past semester in particular has been one where it just seems like every area of my life is such a struggle. everything is hard. so now that i'm on a 7 week summer break, i just want things to be easy. i just wanna have someone (preferably a guy i like) who will go to the beach with me, drink wine with me, see movies with me, and just have fun with me. am i going to find that? probably not. i'll probably end up doing everything alone and spending most of the time just watching tv at home. most of the people i know don't have the summer off. they have day jobs during the week. they are in serious relationships, or married, or live far enough away that just seeing them a couple times will require a lot of effort and planning on my part. 

     i have to fly out to colorado just to spend some time with my parents, who i haven't seen since november. i have to drive 90 miles one way to see my best friend michelle and her baby girl. i have to email my bar friends weeks ahead of time to plan when i can come down and get a drink with them since i never know when they will be out of town and i have to figure out where i'm gonna be crashing since there is no way i would drive from garden grove to pasadena after a night of drinking. i miss the old days when my parents had dinner with me once a month and i had lunch with michelle once a week. when i would go to Azteca's at the end of the week and get a drink with my bar friends and a little stress relief. now everything is so complicated. love has always been hard for me but now everything is hard. 

     i just really need things to be easy for awhile. i need my love life to be easy. and to whoever or whatever keeps that from happening, i have a big middle finger waiting just for you. just fuckin let me be happy! baaaaahhhhhhh!!!!