hey, remember myspace? doesn't it take you back, just hearing that word? oh the glittery posts on friends' walls and other crap. so i randomly got reminded of how myspace had that section of your profile called a "blog" where you could post whatever random crap you wanted, kind of like a blog. i used it for random funny quotes, quiz results, and dance videos. but i remembered, i also had one i wrote several years ago which was like a letter to the universe where i was telling the universe what i wanted in a guy. and i acknowledged that being too rigid wasn't good, but also being to vague wasn't good either. so i tried being specific and flexible. i created a list of characteristics i wanted in a guy, saying they didn't need to have all of them but it would be nice if they had at least half. and then i added a time restraint. i said "you have one year to bring me this guy." i'm not sure what i expected to do in retaliation if the universe didn't come through in time, i just wanted to show that i was serious.
now, i tried finding this post so i could copy it here. i even logged onto myspace and i swear i could hear crickets. but sadly, i had deleted it at some point and don't know if it's saved somewhere else. so i can't share the specifics of the list but i can give you a general idea. it wasn't your typical high maintenance list of dream guy qualities. it's wasn't all about looks or money or being treated like a princess or whatever bull shit you tend to hear. half the time when a girl makes those lists it's the mom's fault, the other half of the time i swear it's Disney's fault. anyways, the list was more of a reflection of myself. the fact that i had realized all these weird little quirks about myself: my weird eating habits, my random allergies, my weird taste in music/movies/books/comedians, and probably other things that i just thought were funny. i really just wanted a guy who could acknowledge all my little quirks and just be laid back about them. someone who was like "whatever, i got my shit too. it's cool." now, because i do have a tendency to be shy or anxious, i really like to surround myself with laid back people who are a little more outgoing than me. who just accept me the way i am while still being able to talk me into trying things i wouldn't do otherwise. it's hard enough to find true friends that can last a lifetime. but trying to find someone you could marry and raise a family with... shit, that's hard.
so the funny thing about this is that it did kinda work. i met an awesome guy from an online website within a year of that post. and he was really cool, sweet, smart and funny. looking back later, he really did have most of the things on my list. all my friends loved him and thought he was perfect for me. we got along like best friends and we had the best times together. so what was the problem? zero sexual attraction. we really should've just been friends. and looking back afterwards, i realized that in all the characteristics i listed in that letter to the universe, i didn't include sexual attraction. for awhile i really thought that if i liked him enough, the sexual attraction would grow over time. nope. you can't create sexual attraction out of thin air. you can't will yourself to wanna have sex with someone when you really don't. it was such a sad situation. and frustrating, because i could look at him and objectively say "yes, that is a handsome man. he's tall and blonde with a nice face." but still, nothing downstairs. sometimes i think it's because we were too similar.
i often think sexual attraction comes from that tension of being with someone who pushes your buttons and challenges you and does things that you just plain don't understand. so finding the right balance is hard. finding someone you really get along with like a friend, someone you could spend all day with and really enjoy their company. but then that person also has to make you all crazy horny and wanna jump their bones. i find the two don't come together very often. i got frustrated meeting guys at bars when i was younger, cuz i'd talk to them due to my sexual attraction to them, and then they'd open their mouths and i couldn't stand spending more than a few hours with them. and then when i tried online dating, i would wait to meet a guy until we had been talking a little while and i realized i thought he was really smart and funny and easy to talk to. and then after a few awkward dates with a few awkward kisses, i would realize there is no way i was gonna do anything more with them. i don't wanna be in a sexless relationship. what's the point of having a boyfriend if you either can't stand their company or don't wanna have sex with them?
thus, i am still single. it's cool, i'm super busy with school and it's better than being in some toxic relationship where we're both so frustrated from trying to make it work that we fight all the time and treat each other like crap. no thank you. got enough shit on my plate. (eew, just got a gross image in my head. i'm not gonna want to eat for awhile.) so what's the plan? i have no idea. but i'm in the middle of finals, my last one is monday and then i have 7 1/2 weeks off before summer classes. i'm so excited to get some down time to relax and see friends and family i normally don't get to see. i just wanna have some fun this summer. if i meet someone, awesome. if not, whatever. life has a way of working out, just gotta let it happen.
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