time off and loving it

     so as i have mentioned in earlier blogs, i have this semester off of school. i had a bunch of ideas of what i could do with my time and i haven't been very good at doing them. i'm procrastinating and delaying and avoiding like crazy. even when it comes to writing this blog, i put it off and do other unnecessary things. i keep not reading the 2nd half of the chapter on Hinduism from the book God Is Not One. there's something about the idea of "needing" to do something that makes me wanna go watch a tv show i've seen a million times. i must really need a breather from stress to be acting this way.
     i realized the other day that i have been focused on school and stressed out by my classes for 8 years now. the past two were the worst because now i'm in grad school. i remember being in undergrad taking my 2nd semester of physics and being in the middle of a total shit storm and thinking "well, it can't get any worse." but it can. that class was so bad, the only reason i got an A was because i did so much better than the others in class that what should have been a C got curved up to an A. i'm so glad those engineer majors had no idea what was going on.
     but when i really think about it, i've never really been truly lazy with nothing to do. ever since i was 3 i wanted to be a professional dancer. when i was 9 i realized i wanted to be a professional modern dancer. i was always working toward that goal. i was always dancing. even during my long summers off of school where i would spend all day watching tv in my pajamas, i still had to go to dance class that night. always working towards something.
     when i realized i didn't want to be a dancer anymore it came with the realization that i wanted to go to school to be a physical therapist instead. no year off to backpack around europe. no odd jobs while i lived with 7 roommates by the beach. i just jumped right back into it. and i went hard at school. not only did i have to get a degree, i had to take all the requirements to get into the grad program. that meant lots of math and science classes. there's a reason why i didn't get my BS in 4 years. it was a long road.
     and then right into grad school. i remember that first day at orientation, it was early and i was really tired and the head of the dept was doing a really good job at scaring the crap out of us. i literally sat there in denial thinking "well, this doesn't apply to me cuz i'm not really here and this isn't really happening." wow, what does that tell you? they spent an entire day talking about how stressful it is and all the different things they have set up to help you with that stress. and i thought "you really need ALL of that?" yup, they really do.
    so i'm actually getting time off and i genuinely don't want to do anything. it took me awhile to get up the nerve to start taking a dance class where i'm just helping out since it's a dance class for people with Parkinson's disease. but i get so uncomfortable with new situations and environments that i put it off for a few weeks. i didn't know what it would be like, and what the people would be like, and how the drive there would be, and where i would park, and if they would actually want me there. i over think everything. i worry constantly.
    i've been thinking about taking another dance class that is a modern class but it's at a different dance studio. i've never been. don't know how to get there, where to park, what to wear, or how to act. i don't know if i'm fit enough to even finish the class or if my body will give out half way through. just the drive there and back alone makes me anxious because i haven't done it. i don't know the tricks of where to turn, where i can get gas, where i can pick up a snack, the exact route back to the freeway. when i was younger and living with my parents i would have them drive somewhere with me either the first time i had to go there or we would do a dry run ahead of time and i would be the passenger so i could look for signs and really see everything without the pressure of having to be the driver. i get so worried that i will get lost.
     i get like that with other things i have to do too. i have to get some intern hours done. but i don't know the PT that i would be working with. i don't know the days and hours. i don't know if they will let me work part time so i can still make it to the Parkinson's dance class every Wednesday afternoon. i don't know if it will be stressful like school or laid back. i don't know how much they will expect from me. i don't know if i will like it and come home everyday glad that i went or hate it and come home everyday wondering when i can stop going. and i just hate not knowing. so i stay home and watch tv.
     all i really want to do right now is hang out. see a movie. get a meal and drinks with someone. watch a good show. listen to music. that's it. when i think about the semester coming up, i get anxious. when i think about getting back into it, i worry it will be just as bad as before. and when i hear my other classmates talking about classes i have to take a year from now, i get very anxious. they are so stressed out. just over worked and so tired. i'm really not looking forward to that. i just wanna stay in this lovely bubble of laziness as long as i can.

making fun of Emmy fashions

i thought i would make fun of a lot of the clothes seen on the red carpet last night since everyone else is too. what the hell, right? you will notice i am only making fun of the women. as long as men wear a suit i really don't give a crap. i'm also staying away from making fun of the wives and dates of the nominated, they are just there for support and don't need to be made fun of at all.

amy, i like you and this was almost great. but it's not flattering around the waist, it's showing every bump. i'm not saying you need to loose weight, but you can find a dress that is more flattering than this one.

chick from Mad Men, way off on this one. the shape of the dress looks like something from Dancing With The Stars and the pattern of the dress doesn't match it at all. i don't think the shape would work for this event, even in a better print. and i don't think the print would have worked for this event, even with a better shape. all kinds of wrong.

ashley, i'm not a fan of the dress but i'm more turned off by your hair. it's awkwardly tall. it should be at least half the height it is. wow.

glenn, bad idea. you may have thought the pattern on the front would have a slimming effect, but it doesn't. it's way too much and totally awkward. it's like all these crisscrossing arrows trying to draw our attention to different parts of your body. and the pattern underneath the crisscrossing, and the weird bottom of the dress. oh, it is just way too much. you look like a mermaid tangled up in dark seaweed and oil.

heidi, you are a beautiful woman with a great body, but two giants slits up the leg is a bit much. especially with the plunging neckline. i'm ten years younger than you and i wouldn't do it. one split is plenty. i don't wanna worry that i'm gonna see whether or not your kids were a c-section while i'm watching you on the red carpet. you don't have to cover up like the chick from Big Bang Theory, but lets try and pick one area of the body to show off at a time. it's just sexier that way.

julian, that's a lot of mustard. maybe if the color was on a different dress or that dress were a different color it would kinda work. but this is just gross. maybe it's just me, but there is something so unpleasant about that color. and to have that much of it in one spot would make me wanna turn away from you the second i saw you.

chick from Girls, i really only like this dress from the waistline up. but to have that lace pattern all the way down with that full of a skirt isn't very flattering. just makes you look really wide. i feel like an entirely different bottom of the dress wouldn't have been best. and please, try and smile occasionally.

chick from Game of Thrones, you look like a fortune teller at the Emmys. now i don't really know you. so maybe that is just how you dress on a regular basis. but if it's not, consider losing the black mesh poncho thing and just wear the dress underneath it. please!

Lucy, ive never really cared for you. i've never liked you in any roll you've done and in general you seem like a rather unpleasant person. so i have no problem telling you that you look ridiculous. like some sort of prostitute robot from the future. granted, a fancy prostitute robot, but still.  maybe the bodice would be ok if it didn't look like the whole thing was covered in washers.

chick from Raising Hope, i really like you on that show but this doesn't work. it doesn't look like it fits you right. there are wrinkles and folds all over the place making the dress very unflattering on you. that's the problem with shiny material, it shows every imperfection, whether it's yours or the seamstress's. the general idea behind the dress is good, it just looks like it was sewn by a blind woman on crack. 

phoebe, i have no idea what you are known for or why you were at the emmys, but this is just bad. first of all, please tell me your face is not frozen like that, because that expression will give me nightmares for a week. the flower on top is way too much, it's what you would see on a little girls church dress. and then the awkward shape of the bottom is too much. i don't need to see that much of your legs, the lining of the dress, or those orange shoes. too much!!!

this is the only dress i really loved and made me wish i could wear it. 

sarah, i love you and you always look great. keep up the good work. and if i ever figure out where you live you are gonna have to put a lock on your closet :)

Tim Minchin - comedian & musician

i recently discovered a new comic thanks to Stephen Fry's twitter page. here is Tim Minchin!

"Inflatable You"

he combines my love of music with my love of very sarcastic, smart, and occasionally dirty comedy :)

"If you open your mind too much your brain will fall out (take my wife)"

"Ten foot c*ck and a few hundred virgins"

he often gives religions a hard time, which i really like :)

"If i didn't have you"

"Woody Allen Jesus"

"Pope song"

"Not perfect"

("it's done stuff it wasn't built to do. i often try to fill it up with wine." love it!)

"Peace Anthem for Palestine"

"Cheese" - for the lactose intolerant :)

and then there's my favorite (which happens to be the most serious one)

"White wine in the sun"

i couldn't agree with this song more. it's like my family in that we celebrate a lot of the same holidays all the christians around us celebrate out of habit but we don't celebrate them for religious reasons but for secular reasons. it's quality family time. i'm just jealous of Australians that get to drink wine outside in the sun on christmas instead of hiding from cold weather inside. seems like it would make a perfect christmas :)

Halloween

holy crap, i love dressing up for halloween! i always have and now that i don't get to perform and be different characters and wear different outfits on stage, i love dressing up for halloween even more. it's just so much fun. i used to have a friend that would throw Halloween in July parties. that was great cuz i got to dress up twice a year :). so i started looking for costumes and already found a bunch of amazing ones. just wish i could wear all of them.

i did buy one of these already but i'm not telling which one yet :)

favorite sneakers

if you are like me, you have a hard time finding those sneakers that are just right. not just due to fit but also style and color. well, i found out that nike has a whole bunch of shoes that you can customize to your liking.

many styles to choose from here:

http://store.nike.com/us/en_us/?l=shop,pwp,c-1/hf-10001+12001+4294966954/t-All_Women's_Custom_NIKEiD_Shoes

but my favorite style is this one:

http://store.nike.com/us/en_us/product/cortez-id-shoe/?piid=25209&pbid=6701750#?pbid=6701750

here are some examples i made up real fast to show you how varied your options are :)

or even something that is similar to (but not exactly like) the ones i bought myself

wouldn't want a bunch of people walking around with my shoes now, would i? ;)

happy shopping!

being ready for marriage and kids

     the other day i was in a car with my parents and we saw a girl drive by in a bright barbie-pink mustang and i said, "that car is telling everyone that she is not ready for a mature/serious relationship anytime soon." this made my parents laugh. female immaturity is different from male immaturity. guys, when they are immature and not ready for a relationship, will act like male sluts and fuck anything that breaths. women, on the other hand, who are not really ready for a mature relationship are often overly girly and self-involved while simultaneously being obsessed with getting married and having kids. i know this is a stereotype and that there are immature girls who approach sex and relationships the way immature men do. but i have seen first-hand the destructive effects of the immature female who puts marriage before the actual relationship.

     i have had few real romantic relationships in my life and none of them have lasted for that long. yes, i am picky. not to a crazy extent where one article of clothing a guy wears one time will change my opinion on him. i just know what i like and don't want to waste years some creep i either have nothing in common with or who treats me like crap. i often use the example of the types of women who aren't picky at all and the bad outcomes i have seen from this approach as my reasoning for acting the way i do. the sad thing is that, for the most part, i am really only talking about one person i know. i know a girl who can't stand to be single at all. i'm not sure i've ever known her to be single for more than 2 months and i've known her for a long time. it seems as though she will just turn whoever the next guy who comes along and asks her out into her next boyfriend. 

    the problem with this girl and girls like her is that she has no idea how immature she is and how not ready she is for a serious relationship. she is so focused on getting married and having kids that she doesn't seem to care who it is that she marries. she convinces herself that each next guy is "the guy" and changes who she is to match him. this girl i know has tried to turn at least the last 4 boyfriends she has had into her husband. she is so self-involved with her personal desires that she doesn't realize she keeps repeating the same pattern over and over again. it always ends terribly. there's always a ton of drama because she keeps trying to make it work with some random guy who is probably not even close to being right for her.

     part of the problem is a lack of self awareness of who she really is. she has been doing this pattern so long that she has been conforming herself into what the guy wants her to be since she started dating in high school instead of discovering who she really is and finding someone to compliment her. i know that being alone can be scary. but, isn't the idea of waking up at the age of 30 and not knowing anything about yourself even scarier? what if you are 50 and you still don't know? and then how do you raise kids and teach them how to be themselves and discover who they are if you have no idea who you are? 

     i often think these kinds of people want marriage and kids for all the wrong reasons in the first place. maybe it's because of pressure from their family. maybe they were raised to believe that you aren't a real woman till you're married and pregnant. maybe they wanna show off to their friends that they can get married and have kids before they do. maybe they just wanna be a stay-at-home mom and never work a day in their life. whatever the reasoning, it's all bullshit. they are still just focusing on what they want without giving a crap about what anyone else wants.

     when i was younger i thought, "yeah, i want to get married and have kids. but, jesus christ, not anytime soon!" i've seen my parents succeed at both of these and wondered how the hell they did it. they make it look so easy but everyone says it's so hard. are they freaks? can i ever find someone who i can have that successful a relationship with? will i ever be able to come close to being as good a parent as either of them? as i get older i don't stress so much, i think because i not only know them better and how they do what they do, but i also know myself better. i know how similar i am to them. if they can do it, i probably can too.

    so yes, i do want to eventually get married and have a family some day. i don't have it all figured out. i don't know when i want to get married or where i want to live or how many kids i want or if i want cats or dogs or both. i think it's too selfish to make all those decisions on your own. a marriage is about 2 people. you have to both agree when to marry and how many kids to have and so on. i want to be an old married lady with my kids and grandkids coming over for christmas and running around the house. but also, a family is what you want it to be. so as long as i'm surrounded by loved ones until the day i die, i'm good.

reading about religion 4 (Confucianism)

     the most recent chapter i read in God Is Not One was about Confucianism. it's so different from the Christian religions i was surrounded by while growing up that it was kind of like a breath of fresh air. it's not better, it's just not the same bullshit i'm used to hearing. i think one of the most interesting thing about this religion, which is prominent in China, is that most people in China don't consider themselves as belonging to any one religion. there's a saying that Chinese are Confucians at work, Daoists at leisure, and Buddhists at death. i don't know enough about these subjects to fully understand the saying at this time, but i like the idea of pulling from different religions to get a more complete view on life. 

     Confucius is a guy that lived around 500 BC. he was very well educated on many different topics and became a teacher who, like Socrates, liked to teach by asking profound questions. he considered himself a transmitter of ancient truths. he identified chaos as the problem with the human condition and that the solution was order and the techniques to achieve order was through ethics and ritual. he taught his students to become an "exemplar person" by cultivating two qualities: ren (human heartedness) and li (ritual/etiquette/propriety).

     Confucianism isn't about the afterlife and God. it focuses on our actions in the world, in particular our social relations. it focuses on how we can use rites, etiquette, and ethical actions to create social harmony. it became popular in China after a period of great turmoil, when the thing that was desired most was harmony. in Confucianism, the everyday world is profoundly spiritual. they treat seemingly ordinary interactions as sacred ceremonies. according to Prothero, "Confucians do affirm that our human nature comes from Heaven, that the good life is a life lived in accordance with this nature, and that a good state carries out the Mandate of Heaven."

    Confucians always believed that every human had the ability to improve and even perfect themselves. they focused on relationships between individuals and felt that the only way to improve yourself was through your relationships with others. they say that these relations are hierarchical by necessity.  they focus on five relationships: ruler/subject, parent/child, husband/wife, elder brother/younger brother, and friend/friend. each of these relationships is supposed to have two-way mutuality and reciprocity rather than one-way obedience. "parents and rulers are to care for their children and subjects, and children and subjects owe loyalty and respect to parents and rulers." Confucians also focus of five important values: human-heartedness, justice, propriety, wisdom, and faithfulness. social harmony is achieved by cultivating the five relationships and the five values. 

     there are aspects of Confucianism that sound nice to me. i like the idea of focusing on the spirituality of the everyday world. i also think the values it focuses on could make it a positive influence on its followers. but the idea of focusing so much on rites and behaving just so is not something that appeals to me. i can't control my every move like that. i've never been big on tradition and rituals in general and tend to rebel when someone tries to limit my behavior too much. 

     i know that in this modern world there is an updated version of this religion known as New Confucianism. they "attempt to be faithful to the core teachings of Confucianism but to state them in modern, universal terms, and in a dialogue with world cultures." this updated version may be more American-friendly and lack the anti-feminist feel that the older religion has. it will be interesting to see how this religion continues to develop and how it may or may not spread in America.