it's been awhile since i've been on this thing. school has been crazy. as in driving me crazy. but now that the semester is over i finally have the time to write about it. i often use this blog for a little catharsis. and if my catharsis can help anybody else out there, then great.
to explain the semester fully i have to go back a little bit. as i have mentioned in previous blog entries, i am in a grad program for physical therapy and had decided to turn the 3 year program into 4 years with what is called the "flex program." it came about when i started having real problems with anxiety. when i went on the program i knew that in the 3 rd year you have a part-time semester where you are supposed to work in an internship 3 days a week and take classes 2 days a week. i really wanted to spread this semester out somehow because i knew it wasn't a good idea to try and do so many units (18) again. but at the time the head of the department told me there was no way to flex it and i just had to do it.
i thought i might be able to do it. after a semester of anti-depressants that brought me back to myself with the help of therapy and a lighter schedule, i felt much better and was back on top of my school work. the following fall semester i ended up not having any classes because of the way they set up the flex program. it's very hard to explain on here. because of this and the fact that the following semester i would only be completing "incomplete" classes, i lost financial aid and my school health insurance. this led to me not being able to see my regular therapist and psychiatrist who gives me my anti-depressants. during the semester off i was feeling great (since i wasn't in class) and decided to just go off of the meds.
the following spring i was still off of the meds as i completed my "incompletes'' and did just fine. I stayed off them during the summer when i took my summer full-time internship and did great. i felt like maybe i didn't need to take the meds again. i even had half the summer off before this fall part-time semester and was able to be really active and lose weight. i was nervous about the upcoming semester but figured that since it took a year and a half of taking 18 units to make me super anxious the first time, that i could probably make it through the semester.
the part-time internship was at a setting i didn't want to be in again at a place that was the last place i should be. we only had 45 minutes for initial evals and 30 minutes for treatments and they kept stressing how important it is for me to be efficient and that not everybody passes the internships there. just what i needed, additional stress on top of a naturally busy semester. the courses added up to about 12 units by themselves, which is my natural limit that i have discovered over the years. this would be hard for even the calmest of students. even with extra time on tests, this was going to be more than a struggle.
i won't go into the specifics of all my issues with the internship that came up over the first half of the semester. i've already bitched enough about it with my school friends. but the stress levels were rising fast. faster than i was even realizing at the time. by midterms i was having sudden crying fits regularly and didn't have time to make myself real meals. my mom came up the weekend before midterms to feed me and give me some leftovers for awhile. i came to the conclusion that things needed to change. i started talking to different teachers about it. by the time i had finished midterm week i had cried in front of 6 teachers within a week.
the day after midterms i called in sick to the internship so that i could go see a dr and get a prescription for my old anti-depressants and make appointments with my therapist and psychiatrist. i was so busy that i felt like i didn't even have time to do that before. the day after that i had a meeting with the teacher that runs the internships about how i really wanted to back off on the internship so that i could focus on the classes. i ended up having a conversation with him and the head of the department and they both wanted me to try and push through. i felt like they weren't really listening to me or believing me.
during that meeting i started to have stomach pain that only got worse as the day went along. in the middle of the night around 3 am i woke up with indigestion and couldn't fall back to sleep. by 4 am my tossing and turning in bed had gotten really bad and i was feeling really anxious. all of a sudden i felt things i had never felt before. my whole body suddenly had a hot flash with sweaty hands and i starting to feel an intense tingling sensation all over my body with pressure in my chest. as i started breathing hard and grabbing for my phone my heart started racing and pounding so hard i was convinced i was having a heart attack. i called 911.
i was home alone that night since my roommate was out of town and had to try and walk to the door and unlock it as i was feeling like i was dying. but the front door of this old house would get jammed up and i had such weak hands that i couldn't finish turning the lock. the paramedics had to break the door in. by this time both of my hands were cramping which only made me more convinced that i was close to death. the paramedics were amazing and checked out my heart and tried to calm me down. they saw that there were no abnormalities with my heart and were trying to explain to me that it was a panic attack and that i had to breath slower and calm down. this felt nearly impossible.
i remember being so grateful that they were there and taking such good care of me. i kept thanking them over and over again. they guy who sat with me in the ambulance did his best to distract me with conversation so that i could calm down. i wished i could have him hold my hand and stay with me till my parents met me at the hospital. but he had other places to be and people to save. i ended up alone in the hospital as my brother and mom drove to me in the early morning.
there were three waves to this panic attack. they literally came hourly and each one was not quite as bad as the one before it. i didn't leave the hospital for several hours. i was tired and wired at the same time. i needed sleep but knew i wasn't going to get any for awhile. and since this attack occurred in the middle of the night, i was afraid to go back to sleep. i went home with my mom and brother to my parents place with the agreement that i not do any work for the rest of the weekend.
eventually my teachers at school found out about my attack and we had a meeting where it was agreed that i would drop the internship and focus on the classes and that i would redo the internship in the summer. and even though a giant weight was lifted off my shoulders, i still was having daily panic attacks. they would happen in class and then i would have to take an ativan which would pretty much make me fall asleep in class. and then they often happened either when i was trying to fall asleep or in the middle of the night. eventually i was put on stronger and longer lasting sedatives that stopped the panic attacks. the problem then was that while i still had a lot of school work to do, now i was tired all the time and didn't hardly have the energy to do the work.
eventually the classes felt a little easier and the panic attacks were staying away with less meds. i was talking regularly with my therapist and she kept pointing out that i would use language that implied that i was a victim. she focused on my interpretation of the events and that i'm not a victim, i just have had a specific reaction to a specific kind of stress. but it was hard not to feel like i was under attack by my classes and teachers. it was hard not to see them as big jerks that were trying to put me through hell on purpose.
when i'm under stress i get little relief from sleep because i end up with regular stressful dreams and nightmares. the ones where i was getting stressed out in class or in the internship were easy to interpret. others just left me feeling anxious when i woke up. i tried not to think about them too much.
now the semester is over and the dreams have decreased but a movie i saw recently made me think about them. for the first time i saw the movie The Hunger Games. To be honest, it's a little too similar to my nightmares. this feeling of being under attack, hunted, chased, on the verge of dying were common themes in my dreams. it makes sense when you add the language of being a victim. the feeling of stress when you are under attack and go into fight or flight mode is the same as the stress felt during grad school. maybe some part of the brain can't tell the difference and brings these dreams and perception of being a victim about when i'm just taking courses in a program i signed up for. i chose to go through this. i chose to be here in this program with these people. but after being stressed for so long, i just felt like they were constantly attacking various aspects of my being: ruining my health and confidence and putting my future in danger if i didn't pass my classes.
i haven't had a panic attack in awhile but i often find myself worrying that i could have one. i know it does me no good, but it's hard not to worry now that i know it can happen. i focus too much on the way my chest feels or how my hands feel. if something reminds me of how i felt that first time, i perseverate on it. it takes a lot of work to redirect my thoughts and get out of that place. i feel that this will be something i will be working on for some time.
but the semester is over and i will not be taking any more finals for grad school. just internships left. and i have a new puppy that brings so much light and happiness into my life. he pulled me out of a panic attack once just by licking my forehead as i lied on the floor. i've found a lot of peace through my relationships. i am so grateful for my family and friends. they not only listen, they make me feel loved and understood. i hope i can provide the same support to them as they provide for me. and i hope that anyone else out there who is going through the same kind of thing that i went to has the same kind of support i had. no words of wisdom yet, just wishing you all strength and love.
