i will be moving into a friend's place soon. she will be in san diego for the majority of the first four months i live there, which is fine since i'm used to living alone. i'm looking forward to living there. i like her. i like the area. for the most part, i think this will be really great. there are only a couple downsides. the traffic to school will increase. but, whatever. what i'm looking forward to the least is how yellow and orange her place is. she has painted the entry room/dining room bright yellow (like, burn your eyes bright yellow), the hallway is bright orange, and the living room is white but the giant curtain is bright yellow so that when sun shines through it the whole room is yellow.
she loves the colors yellow and orange. it helps that she can wear those colors without looking like she should be in the waiting room of a hospital. they make her feel happy and energetic and i guess give her warm summery feelings in general. i have always hated them. intensely. apparently, as a toddler my parents tried putting a yellow dress on me and i made a disgusted face and immediately started pulling it off. i can't explain it. i don't have any intense negative memories connected to the color. but it makes me so uneasy and just agitated in general.
the weird thing is i can really enjoy those colors on things like leaves and flowers. i can enjoy a field of poppies or a tree filled with yellow leaves about to fall to the ground. but i never wanna wear the color or see it on buildings. hints of it can work in artwork. but i don't want to have yellow and orange be the colors that surround me. recently i wore a halloween costume that had some yellow in it. my dad was amazed that i wore anything with yellow. but it was halloween, i was only gonna wear it once, it was super flattering, it was of a character i loved, and when i wear it while drinking i really don't have to look at it that much. but the idea of trying to relax in a room that is yellow at the end of the day is making me a little nervous. i don't know how well i will be able to put up with it.
i know its her place and she has the right to paint it however she wants, but i'm worried that i will end up hiding in my room a lot just to get away from it. i kinda wish i could at least change the curtains in the living room to a light peach color. just to bring the amount of yellow down some. i don't know if i will confront her about this or just try and put up with it, but it is literally the only thing i am worried about when it comes to moving in with her. it seems so silly, but i have such a strong visceral reaction to that color.
i was looking up stuff about color psychology and how people perceive the color yellow and it seems to be one of those colors that you either love it and it makes you feel amazing or you hate it and it makes you feel awful. it has even been shown in studies that people are more likely to get into arguments in yellow rooms and that babies have a harder time falling asleep in them. and, it causes retinal fatigue faster than any other color. i personally often just feel like i'm being attacked when i'm surrounded by the color.
so, like i said, not quite sure what to do about it. i'd like to live there with her at least till i'm done with grad school. i can only hope that i can live there without it really becoming an issue. it would suck if the color yellow ruined a perfectly good living situation. at least my new bedroom won't be yellow. sanctuary!
Thursday, December 6, 2012
Tuesday, November 20, 2012
the big three-oh
i turn 30 this winter. i wanna do something a little more special than normal but figuring out exactly what to do isn't easy. there's a few problems. one of which is that i live in Pasadena now and have some friends in the LA area, some friends in the orange county area, and my best friend all the way out by lake elsinore. i'd love to get as many of them to go as possible but finding the right location isn't easy. my orange county friends don't often go up to LA so i'm tempted to find a good spot in orange county. i want it to be a place where we can get dressed up, dance and have fun. i also really want to make sure there is no cover charge.
there's also the problem of knowing when to do it. my birthday is at the end of january and the past two years it's been hard to get my school friends to come out for it cuz it's a few weeks into the semester and they often complain of being tired or having too much to do. so i was thinking of having it before the semester starts. this would mean it would be january 4th or 5th. but january 5th is my best friend's 29th bday. she doesn't know what she will want to do for hers yet. i'm hoping it will all work out. i absolutely don't mind having it be a double bday party. i don't care if we are both wearing tiaras and inviting a ton of people, i'd just rather find a day when she can come than a day when she can't.
since i wanna have the drunken celebration early in the month, a few weeks before my bday, i figure i should still do something a little special the weekend of my bday. i've recently gotten into anti-gravity yoga. it looks something like this:
there's also the problem of knowing when to do it. my birthday is at the end of january and the past two years it's been hard to get my school friends to come out for it cuz it's a few weeks into the semester and they often complain of being tired or having too much to do. so i was thinking of having it before the semester starts. this would mean it would be january 4th or 5th. but january 5th is my best friend's 29th bday. she doesn't know what she will want to do for hers yet. i'm hoping it will all work out. i absolutely don't mind having it be a double bday party. i don't care if we are both wearing tiaras and inviting a ton of people, i'd just rather find a day when she can come than a day when she can't.
since i wanna have the drunken celebration early in the month, a few weeks before my bday, i figure i should still do something a little special the weekend of my bday. i've recently gotten into anti-gravity yoga. it looks something like this:
although it will take me awhile to get the arm strength to do this:
swinging like this is super fun!
and this is one of my favorite parts:
it's like being a cocoon. and it's so comfortable to just lay in it. i wish i could have my own to play and lounge in whenever i wanted. maybe one of these days...
anyways, it's made me realize that i would love to eventually take aerial classes like hoops, trapeze or silks like this:
i also found out there is a place in LA where i can actually take a lesson on a flying trapeze like this
i realized that anti-gravity yoga would be a good place to build the arm strength i need to move on to these classes. so i think it would be really cool to take a trapeze class for my 30th birthday. and if any of my friends wanna come and watch or even take the class with me, that would be awesome. and then obviously i will need some wine afterwards. i just think it would be a really cool, unique, fun thing to do for my birthday. i doubt i will be very good but at least i can say i tried it and i may even do it more than once.
so, if any of my friends have any suggestions on where to do the celebrating in early january, please let my know. hopefully it will be a fun night with good friends and good drinks. and if i can't see everybody that night, hopefully i can schedule special hang outs with the friends that miss it. i just wanna have some memorable times with my favorite people in this world.
Saturday, November 10, 2012
Wednesday, October 24, 2012
reading about religion 6 (Buddhism)
ive been looking forward to this chapter. i think it was the most talked about religion in my childhood with my new age parents. i love the movies Little Buddha and Seven Years in Tibet. i've read the book Siddhartha by Hermann Hesse. and lately ive been following the Dalai Lama on Twitter. i think part of what is so appealing about it is the way the Buddha is portrayed. i grew up seeing all the depressing images of christianity. all the artwork is so dark and sad and Christ is always on the crucifix or about to be on it looking sick and hungry and beaten. but in Buddhism the Buddha is just sitting around with a smile on his face. and then there's the Laughing Buddha. adorable! the artwork is so beautiful and peaceful. love it.
so the chapter starts off with the story of Siddhartha who becomes Buddha. i recommend seeing the movie Little Buddha for this. it's beautiful and shows the story well. plus it shows lots of other aspects of Buddhism. plus Keanu Reeves plays Siddhartha. what?!? he goes from being a prince born in luxury who becomes an ascetic who starves himself for his spirituality and then finds The Middle Path. he becomes The Awakened One. he was sitting under a tree and vowed to stay there till he figured out "the secret of our everlasting wandering from rebirth to rebirth." after 49 days it came to him. he saw that all things are impermanent and ever changing and we suffer because we wish the world were otherwise.
buddhism is a lot like Hinduism in many ways. they both believe in reincarnation and karma. and they both want to be free of the cycle of rebirth because this world is full of suffering and happiness is only temporary. in Buddhism the problem with the human condition is the karma-fueled cycle of life, death and rebirth (samsara, same as Hinduism) but the solution is nirvana, which means extinguishing suffering. according to Buddhism there are Four Noble Truths: life is marked by suffering, but suffering has an origin, so it can be eliminated, and the path to elimination of suffering is the Noble Eightfold Path.
The 8-fold path includes: right understanding, right thought, right speech, right action, right livelihood, right effort, right mindfulness, and right concentration. that all sounds like a lot of pressure to me. to be "right" about so many aspects of your life. but it all comes down to "be kind, be wise, be mindful." that i can work with. it's the idea that human beings can solve the human problem on our own, without help from above. there is an emphasis on experience over belief. in fact, Buddhists don't see Buddha as being divine, he was a path finder and Buddhism spread because it had a powerful story. Buddha "taught his listeners not to be seduced by the authority of any text, tradition, or teacher (even himself), but to discover for themselves how to live an authentically human life."
There are three main branches of Buddhism: Mahayana (which is very similar to Hinduism and is the most popular because you don't have to be a monk to reach nirvana), Theravada (where you do have to be a monk to achieve nirvana but if you aren't you can get merit towards a better life next time), and Vajrayana which is also known as Tibetan Buddhism and is the one the Dalai Lama practices. Tibetan Buddhists use mantras or sacred chants, they have reverence for the lama (guru or teacher), they have many practices that are passed down in secret from lama to student, and they have practices that are derived from Tantra. you might be surprised to find that most Buddhists don't meditate. much the way Hindu's have devotion to the God of their choice, some Buddhists show devotion to the Buddha (there are many) or bodhisattva of their choice.
there are some ideas in Buddhism that are hard to explain and even harder to grasp. they say there is no self and no soul. which gets kinda confusing cuz, then, what are we talking about here? and then there's the idea of emptiness. it sounds daunting and depressing but it really isn't. it's freedom. i'm not gonna try and it explain it cuz i wouldn't know how to on here. so if you wanna learn more about it, just go look it up. but there is an ''implication of emptiness that we are all already Buddhas. It is the dualistic mind that sees Buddhahood as something different from us." they say that nirvana isn't something you have to wait for until you are dead. you can reach it here in this life. and that being a Buddha is not being an "omnipotent spiritual superman", but becoming a true human being.
the idea of empitness says that there is no distinction between samsara and nirvana. it says that nirvana is inevitable. it is already here. "all we need to do is step out of the closed either/or mind to open the heart of emptiness. Samsara is nirvana if you just accept things as they are. ...There is nowhere to go, nothing to wait for. This is it." there is another great part of the book that says "you can't get to nonduality with the dualistic mind. You can't think your way to nirvana; it comes when you are out of your mind." i love that. sorry if that was hard to understand, the idea of duality and nonduality is not something i wont to go into here. i learned about it in my Mysticism and Meditation class at OCC. this might seem strange and foreign to a lot of my christian friends and relatives, but it's the most familiar religion to me. in a lot of ways i totally get it.
i wanna learn more about Buddhism, i especially wanna get some of those books from the Dalai Lama. i love his peaceful smile. it's funny though, sometimes when i read his tweets about always being kind and patient with everybody i find myself thinking "you've never driven in LA traffic." i'm not sure if i will ever call myself a Buddhist, but it's a lot more likely than me calling myself a follower of any other religion. and now i wanna watch Little Buddha again. wish i had it on DVD.
so the chapter starts off with the story of Siddhartha who becomes Buddha. i recommend seeing the movie Little Buddha for this. it's beautiful and shows the story well. plus it shows lots of other aspects of Buddhism. plus Keanu Reeves plays Siddhartha. what?!? he goes from being a prince born in luxury who becomes an ascetic who starves himself for his spirituality and then finds The Middle Path. he becomes The Awakened One. he was sitting under a tree and vowed to stay there till he figured out "the secret of our everlasting wandering from rebirth to rebirth." after 49 days it came to him. he saw that all things are impermanent and ever changing and we suffer because we wish the world were otherwise.
buddhism is a lot like Hinduism in many ways. they both believe in reincarnation and karma. and they both want to be free of the cycle of rebirth because this world is full of suffering and happiness is only temporary. in Buddhism the problem with the human condition is the karma-fueled cycle of life, death and rebirth (samsara, same as Hinduism) but the solution is nirvana, which means extinguishing suffering. according to Buddhism there are Four Noble Truths: life is marked by suffering, but suffering has an origin, so it can be eliminated, and the path to elimination of suffering is the Noble Eightfold Path.
The 8-fold path includes: right understanding, right thought, right speech, right action, right livelihood, right effort, right mindfulness, and right concentration. that all sounds like a lot of pressure to me. to be "right" about so many aspects of your life. but it all comes down to "be kind, be wise, be mindful." that i can work with. it's the idea that human beings can solve the human problem on our own, without help from above. there is an emphasis on experience over belief. in fact, Buddhists don't see Buddha as being divine, he was a path finder and Buddhism spread because it had a powerful story. Buddha "taught his listeners not to be seduced by the authority of any text, tradition, or teacher (even himself), but to discover for themselves how to live an authentically human life."
There are three main branches of Buddhism: Mahayana (which is very similar to Hinduism and is the most popular because you don't have to be a monk to reach nirvana), Theravada (where you do have to be a monk to achieve nirvana but if you aren't you can get merit towards a better life next time), and Vajrayana which is also known as Tibetan Buddhism and is the one the Dalai Lama practices. Tibetan Buddhists use mantras or sacred chants, they have reverence for the lama (guru or teacher), they have many practices that are passed down in secret from lama to student, and they have practices that are derived from Tantra. you might be surprised to find that most Buddhists don't meditate. much the way Hindu's have devotion to the God of their choice, some Buddhists show devotion to the Buddha (there are many) or bodhisattva of their choice.
there are some ideas in Buddhism that are hard to explain and even harder to grasp. they say there is no self and no soul. which gets kinda confusing cuz, then, what are we talking about here? and then there's the idea of emptiness. it sounds daunting and depressing but it really isn't. it's freedom. i'm not gonna try and it explain it cuz i wouldn't know how to on here. so if you wanna learn more about it, just go look it up. but there is an ''implication of emptiness that we are all already Buddhas. It is the dualistic mind that sees Buddhahood as something different from us." they say that nirvana isn't something you have to wait for until you are dead. you can reach it here in this life. and that being a Buddha is not being an "omnipotent spiritual superman", but becoming a true human being.
the idea of empitness says that there is no distinction between samsara and nirvana. it says that nirvana is inevitable. it is already here. "all we need to do is step out of the closed either/or mind to open the heart of emptiness. Samsara is nirvana if you just accept things as they are. ...There is nowhere to go, nothing to wait for. This is it." there is another great part of the book that says "you can't get to nonduality with the dualistic mind. You can't think your way to nirvana; it comes when you are out of your mind." i love that. sorry if that was hard to understand, the idea of duality and nonduality is not something i wont to go into here. i learned about it in my Mysticism and Meditation class at OCC. this might seem strange and foreign to a lot of my christian friends and relatives, but it's the most familiar religion to me. in a lot of ways i totally get it.
i wanna learn more about Buddhism, i especially wanna get some of those books from the Dalai Lama. i love his peaceful smile. it's funny though, sometimes when i read his tweets about always being kind and patient with everybody i find myself thinking "you've never driven in LA traffic." i'm not sure if i will ever call myself a Buddhist, but it's a lot more likely than me calling myself a follower of any other religion. and now i wanna watch Little Buddha again. wish i had it on DVD.
Friday, October 12, 2012
adorable baby videos #4
more adorable videos and pics of madilyn!!!
and now an adorable video of madilyn and her momma :)
in this last one madilyn is playing with her toys and being adorable, but at about 3:40 she snores!
cutest baby girl ever! :)
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
my body hurts
and it is gonna hurt a lot more tomorrow and the day after. i took a real dance class tonight for the first time in who knows how many years. it was a beginning modern class at a studio in Burbank. although i've done years and years of modern dance, i'm so out of shape i knew i wouldn't be able to finish an advanced modern class. overall it was a very positive experience. very fun and it felt great to dance again. but man, am i gonna be hurting tomorrow.
so about 30 minutes into the floor exercises we were doing this stretch
so about 30 minutes into the floor exercises we were doing this stretch
and then when i brought my right leg down my right butt cheek started cramping. that was fun. so then i had to dance the rest of the class with one sore butt cheek. plus by the end of class i could feel a blister forming under my big toe. i could literally feel the fluid moving around in it when i was standing. gross. plus i always sweat buckets. and by the end of class i had a bright red face. it looked like i had managed to severely sunburn just my face.
i miss dance class :)
so i found that it's still hard to find modern classes in LA. i know Lineage Dance in Pasadena and Dance CoLab in Burbank offer a few, but i'm not sure of any others. so if you know of any other dance studios that teach good modern, not contemporary, let me know.
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
reading about religion 5 (Hinduism)
i finally finished the chapter on Hinduism! man, i got distracted from that for awhile. ok, here we go.
Hinduism is that religion from India with all the Gods, including the one that has a head of an elephant. finally heard the story behind that, just a lot of unnecessary decapitations if you ask me. anyways, it's a very old religion and has gone through many changes over the years. Stephen Prothero called it the least dogmatic and the most diverse. i like the sound of it so far.
some Hindus say there is really just one god, some say there are many gods but one supreme god, some say there are many gods and they are all equal, and some say there are no gods. there is shared scripture in The Vedas, a shared sacred symbol called Om, and a sacred center Varanasi in North India. there is no founder and no current leader. they have no shared creed or mechanism for excommunication. i have to say, i like the idea of no leader. too much power in one person's hands in not a good thing.
the problem with the human condition as identified in Hinduism is something called samsara. this is the vicious cycle of life, death, and rebirth. Hindus see reincarnation as a problem: "this world is a vale of tears, and whatever happiness we might cobble together here is transitory and impermanent. Even heaven... was created and will be destroyed, as will whatever gods reside there. The Hindu goal, therefore, is not to escape from this world to some heavenly paradise, but to escape from heaven and earth altogether." the Hindus call this goal moksha.
i'm not sure how i feel about that idea. it feels like a better goal than i have heard in other religions, but i don't think it would be my goal. i like this world. it's beautiful. and the happiness is only really noticed in comparison to sorrow. it is the hard times that make the good times so special. we human beings have a tendency to get bored when everything is going well and create problems for ourselves. if we had the opportunity to always be happy, wouldn't we just screw it up? plus the things i live for the most are the people i love. what if your loved ones don't go with you when you escape? wouldn't you miss them? wouldn't you want to all leave together?
there are three other goals in Hinduism: 1) kama - sensual pleasure, 2) artha - wealth and power, and 3) dharma - duty. but moksha is the ultimate goal. there are three different yogas (disciplines to getting moksha): 1) karma yoga - discipline of action (ritual actions), 2) jnana yoga - discipline of wisdom written down in the philosophical scripture the Upanishads, and 3) bhakti yoga - discipline of devotion - all you need is heartfelt devotion to the god of your choosing.
Hinduism is big on rituals and storytelling. the two main books of Hindu stories include the Mahabharata and the Ramayana. the first one is incredibly long (much longer than the Bible) and includes the famous Bhagavad Gita. the stories in both are very dramatic and entertaining. both have been turned into cartoons, miniseries, and comic books in the modern age as a way of getting the stories out to the younger generations. i kinda wish i could see them.
the explanation behind reincarnation is the idea of karma which refers to moral action and consequences. consequences flow from actions without any supernatural intervention. no one is judging you and deciding your fate. it's just cause and effect. and when you die you die with a combination of good karma and bad karma. so when you die there are good actions awaiting reward and bad actions awaiting punishment. so you are born into another body and the cycle continues. another idea i like, just kinda makes sense to me.
in Hinduism there is something called maya which is a veil of illusion that we look at ourselves and the world through. it keeps us from seeing that human beings are not different from divinity, we are one. "The essence of the human being is the same as the essence of divinity. ...The individual soul is divine. The essence of each of us is uncreated, deathless, and immortal." to know this is to achieve moksha. but it's not enough to believe, you must experience it. (sounds like a job for hallucinatory drugs)
this idea behind what the soul is and it's connection to the divine and God, i really like. i think i have always felt that way. but i'm not sure i can get on board with the goal of moksha. doesn't seem like something i wanna work towards. but then maybe i'm just not ready.
one thing i wanna look up more about is this one goddess he mentions in the book. her name is Durga and she rides a tiger or a lion while carrying many (up to 18) weapons and is fierce for righteousness. she slays the buffalo daemon of chaos. that just sounds awesome! i also wanna learn more about Gandhi because he barely mentions him in the book.
Hinduism is that religion from India with all the Gods, including the one that has a head of an elephant. finally heard the story behind that, just a lot of unnecessary decapitations if you ask me. anyways, it's a very old religion and has gone through many changes over the years. Stephen Prothero called it the least dogmatic and the most diverse. i like the sound of it so far.
some Hindus say there is really just one god, some say there are many gods but one supreme god, some say there are many gods and they are all equal, and some say there are no gods. there is shared scripture in The Vedas, a shared sacred symbol called Om, and a sacred center Varanasi in North India. there is no founder and no current leader. they have no shared creed or mechanism for excommunication. i have to say, i like the idea of no leader. too much power in one person's hands in not a good thing.
the problem with the human condition as identified in Hinduism is something called samsara. this is the vicious cycle of life, death, and rebirth. Hindus see reincarnation as a problem: "this world is a vale of tears, and whatever happiness we might cobble together here is transitory and impermanent. Even heaven... was created and will be destroyed, as will whatever gods reside there. The Hindu goal, therefore, is not to escape from this world to some heavenly paradise, but to escape from heaven and earth altogether." the Hindus call this goal moksha.
i'm not sure how i feel about that idea. it feels like a better goal than i have heard in other religions, but i don't think it would be my goal. i like this world. it's beautiful. and the happiness is only really noticed in comparison to sorrow. it is the hard times that make the good times so special. we human beings have a tendency to get bored when everything is going well and create problems for ourselves. if we had the opportunity to always be happy, wouldn't we just screw it up? plus the things i live for the most are the people i love. what if your loved ones don't go with you when you escape? wouldn't you miss them? wouldn't you want to all leave together?
there are three other goals in Hinduism: 1) kama - sensual pleasure, 2) artha - wealth and power, and 3) dharma - duty. but moksha is the ultimate goal. there are three different yogas (disciplines to getting moksha): 1) karma yoga - discipline of action (ritual actions), 2) jnana yoga - discipline of wisdom written down in the philosophical scripture the Upanishads, and 3) bhakti yoga - discipline of devotion - all you need is heartfelt devotion to the god of your choosing.
Hinduism is big on rituals and storytelling. the two main books of Hindu stories include the Mahabharata and the Ramayana. the first one is incredibly long (much longer than the Bible) and includes the famous Bhagavad Gita. the stories in both are very dramatic and entertaining. both have been turned into cartoons, miniseries, and comic books in the modern age as a way of getting the stories out to the younger generations. i kinda wish i could see them.
the explanation behind reincarnation is the idea of karma which refers to moral action and consequences. consequences flow from actions without any supernatural intervention. no one is judging you and deciding your fate. it's just cause and effect. and when you die you die with a combination of good karma and bad karma. so when you die there are good actions awaiting reward and bad actions awaiting punishment. so you are born into another body and the cycle continues. another idea i like, just kinda makes sense to me.
in Hinduism there is something called maya which is a veil of illusion that we look at ourselves and the world through. it keeps us from seeing that human beings are not different from divinity, we are one. "The essence of the human being is the same as the essence of divinity. ...The individual soul is divine. The essence of each of us is uncreated, deathless, and immortal." to know this is to achieve moksha. but it's not enough to believe, you must experience it. (sounds like a job for hallucinatory drugs)
this idea behind what the soul is and it's connection to the divine and God, i really like. i think i have always felt that way. but i'm not sure i can get on board with the goal of moksha. doesn't seem like something i wanna work towards. but then maybe i'm just not ready.
one thing i wanna look up more about is this one goddess he mentions in the book. her name is Durga and she rides a tiger or a lion while carrying many (up to 18) weapons and is fierce for righteousness. she slays the buffalo daemon of chaos. that just sounds awesome! i also wanna learn more about Gandhi because he barely mentions him in the book.
Saturday, September 29, 2012
time off and loving it
so as i have mentioned in earlier blogs, i have this semester off of school. i had a bunch of ideas of what i could do with my time and i haven't been very good at doing them. i'm procrastinating and delaying and avoiding like crazy. even when it comes to writing this blog, i put it off and do other unnecessary things. i keep not reading the 2nd half of the chapter on Hinduism from the book God Is Not One. there's something about the idea of "needing" to do something that makes me wanna go watch a tv show i've seen a million times. i must really need a breather from stress to be acting this way.
i realized the other day that i have been focused on school and stressed out by my classes for 8 years now. the past two were the worst because now i'm in grad school. i remember being in undergrad taking my 2nd semester of physics and being in the middle of a total shit storm and thinking "well, it can't get any worse." but it can. that class was so bad, the only reason i got an A was because i did so much better than the others in class that what should have been a C got curved up to an A. i'm so glad those engineer majors had no idea what was going on.
but when i really think about it, i've never really been truly lazy with nothing to do. ever since i was 3 i wanted to be a professional dancer. when i was 9 i realized i wanted to be a professional modern dancer. i was always working toward that goal. i was always dancing. even during my long summers off of school where i would spend all day watching tv in my pajamas, i still had to go to dance class that night. always working towards something.
when i realized i didn't want to be a dancer anymore it came with the realization that i wanted to go to school to be a physical therapist instead. no year off to backpack around europe. no odd jobs while i lived with 7 roommates by the beach. i just jumped right back into it. and i went hard at school. not only did i have to get a degree, i had to take all the requirements to get into the grad program. that meant lots of math and science classes. there's a reason why i didn't get my BS in 4 years. it was a long road.
and then right into grad school. i remember that first day at orientation, it was early and i was really tired and the head of the dept was doing a really good job at scaring the crap out of us. i literally sat there in denial thinking "well, this doesn't apply to me cuz i'm not really here and this isn't really happening." wow, what does that tell you? they spent an entire day talking about how stressful it is and all the different things they have set up to help you with that stress. and i thought "you really need ALL of that?" yup, they really do.
so i'm actually getting time off and i genuinely don't want to do anything. it took me awhile to get up the nerve to start taking a dance class where i'm just helping out since it's a dance class for people with Parkinson's disease. but i get so uncomfortable with new situations and environments that i put it off for a few weeks. i didn't know what it would be like, and what the people would be like, and how the drive there would be, and where i would park, and if they would actually want me there. i over think everything. i worry constantly.
i've been thinking about taking another dance class that is a modern class but it's at a different dance studio. i've never been. don't know how to get there, where to park, what to wear, or how to act. i don't know if i'm fit enough to even finish the class or if my body will give out half way through. just the drive there and back alone makes me anxious because i haven't done it. i don't know the tricks of where to turn, where i can get gas, where i can pick up a snack, the exact route back to the freeway. when i was younger and living with my parents i would have them drive somewhere with me either the first time i had to go there or we would do a dry run ahead of time and i would be the passenger so i could look for signs and really see everything without the pressure of having to be the driver. i get so worried that i will get lost.
i get like that with other things i have to do too. i have to get some intern hours done. but i don't know the PT that i would be working with. i don't know the days and hours. i don't know if they will let me work part time so i can still make it to the Parkinson's dance class every Wednesday afternoon. i don't know if it will be stressful like school or laid back. i don't know how much they will expect from me. i don't know if i will like it and come home everyday glad that i went or hate it and come home everyday wondering when i can stop going. and i just hate not knowing. so i stay home and watch tv.
all i really want to do right now is hang out. see a movie. get a meal and drinks with someone. watch a good show. listen to music. that's it. when i think about the semester coming up, i get anxious. when i think about getting back into it, i worry it will be just as bad as before. and when i hear my other classmates talking about classes i have to take a year from now, i get very anxious. they are so stressed out. just over worked and so tired. i'm really not looking forward to that. i just wanna stay in this lovely bubble of laziness as long as i can.
i realized the other day that i have been focused on school and stressed out by my classes for 8 years now. the past two were the worst because now i'm in grad school. i remember being in undergrad taking my 2nd semester of physics and being in the middle of a total shit storm and thinking "well, it can't get any worse." but it can. that class was so bad, the only reason i got an A was because i did so much better than the others in class that what should have been a C got curved up to an A. i'm so glad those engineer majors had no idea what was going on.
but when i really think about it, i've never really been truly lazy with nothing to do. ever since i was 3 i wanted to be a professional dancer. when i was 9 i realized i wanted to be a professional modern dancer. i was always working toward that goal. i was always dancing. even during my long summers off of school where i would spend all day watching tv in my pajamas, i still had to go to dance class that night. always working towards something.
when i realized i didn't want to be a dancer anymore it came with the realization that i wanted to go to school to be a physical therapist instead. no year off to backpack around europe. no odd jobs while i lived with 7 roommates by the beach. i just jumped right back into it. and i went hard at school. not only did i have to get a degree, i had to take all the requirements to get into the grad program. that meant lots of math and science classes. there's a reason why i didn't get my BS in 4 years. it was a long road.
and then right into grad school. i remember that first day at orientation, it was early and i was really tired and the head of the dept was doing a really good job at scaring the crap out of us. i literally sat there in denial thinking "well, this doesn't apply to me cuz i'm not really here and this isn't really happening." wow, what does that tell you? they spent an entire day talking about how stressful it is and all the different things they have set up to help you with that stress. and i thought "you really need ALL of that?" yup, they really do.
so i'm actually getting time off and i genuinely don't want to do anything. it took me awhile to get up the nerve to start taking a dance class where i'm just helping out since it's a dance class for people with Parkinson's disease. but i get so uncomfortable with new situations and environments that i put it off for a few weeks. i didn't know what it would be like, and what the people would be like, and how the drive there would be, and where i would park, and if they would actually want me there. i over think everything. i worry constantly.
i've been thinking about taking another dance class that is a modern class but it's at a different dance studio. i've never been. don't know how to get there, where to park, what to wear, or how to act. i don't know if i'm fit enough to even finish the class or if my body will give out half way through. just the drive there and back alone makes me anxious because i haven't done it. i don't know the tricks of where to turn, where i can get gas, where i can pick up a snack, the exact route back to the freeway. when i was younger and living with my parents i would have them drive somewhere with me either the first time i had to go there or we would do a dry run ahead of time and i would be the passenger so i could look for signs and really see everything without the pressure of having to be the driver. i get so worried that i will get lost.
i get like that with other things i have to do too. i have to get some intern hours done. but i don't know the PT that i would be working with. i don't know the days and hours. i don't know if they will let me work part time so i can still make it to the Parkinson's dance class every Wednesday afternoon. i don't know if it will be stressful like school or laid back. i don't know how much they will expect from me. i don't know if i will like it and come home everyday glad that i went or hate it and come home everyday wondering when i can stop going. and i just hate not knowing. so i stay home and watch tv.
all i really want to do right now is hang out. see a movie. get a meal and drinks with someone. watch a good show. listen to music. that's it. when i think about the semester coming up, i get anxious. when i think about getting back into it, i worry it will be just as bad as before. and when i hear my other classmates talking about classes i have to take a year from now, i get very anxious. they are so stressed out. just over worked and so tired. i'm really not looking forward to that. i just wanna stay in this lovely bubble of laziness as long as i can.
Monday, September 24, 2012
making fun of Emmy fashions
i thought i would make fun of a lot of the clothes seen on the red carpet last night since everyone else is too. what the hell, right? you will notice i am only making fun of the women. as long as men wear a suit i really don't give a crap. i'm also staying away from making fun of the wives and dates of the nominated, they are just there for support and don't need to be made fun of at all.
chick from Mad Men, way off on this one. the shape of the dress looks like something from Dancing With The Stars and the pattern of the dress doesn't match it at all. i don't think the shape would work for this event, even in a better print. and i don't think the print would have worked for this event, even with a better shape. all kinds of wrong.
ashley, i'm not a fan of the dress but i'm more turned off by your hair. it's awkwardly tall. it should be at least half the height it is. wow.
glenn, bad idea. you may have thought the pattern on the front would have a slimming effect, but it doesn't. it's way too much and totally awkward. it's like all these crisscrossing arrows trying to draw our attention to different parts of your body. and the pattern underneath the crisscrossing, and the weird bottom of the dress. oh, it is just way too much. you look like a mermaid tangled up in dark seaweed and oil.
heidi, you are a beautiful woman with a great body, but two giants slits up the leg is a bit much. especially with the plunging neckline. i'm ten years younger than you and i wouldn't do it. one split is plenty. i don't wanna worry that i'm gonna see whether or not your kids were a c-section while i'm watching you on the red carpet. you don't have to cover up like the chick from Big Bang Theory, but lets try and pick one area of the body to show off at a time. it's just sexier that way.
julian, that's a lot of mustard. maybe if the color was on a different dress or that dress were a different color it would kinda work. but this is just gross. maybe it's just me, but there is something so unpleasant about that color. and to have that much of it in one spot would make me wanna turn away from you the second i saw you.
chick from Girls, i really only like this dress from the waistline up. but to have that lace pattern all the way down with that full of a skirt isn't very flattering. just makes you look really wide. i feel like an entirely different bottom of the dress wouldn't have been best. and please, try and smile occasionally.
chick from Game of Thrones, you look like a fortune teller at the Emmys. now i don't really know you. so maybe that is just how you dress on a regular basis. but if it's not, consider losing the black mesh poncho thing and just wear the dress underneath it. please!
Lucy, ive never really cared for you. i've never liked you in any roll you've done and in general you seem like a rather unpleasant person. so i have no problem telling you that you look ridiculous. like some sort of prostitute robot from the future. granted, a fancy prostitute robot, but still. maybe the bodice would be ok if it didn't look like the whole thing was covered in washers.
amy, i like you and this was almost great. but it's not flattering around the waist, it's showing every bump. i'm not saying you need to loose weight, but you can find a dress that is more flattering than this one.
chick from Mad Men, way off on this one. the shape of the dress looks like something from Dancing With The Stars and the pattern of the dress doesn't match it at all. i don't think the shape would work for this event, even in a better print. and i don't think the print would have worked for this event, even with a better shape. all kinds of wrong.
ashley, i'm not a fan of the dress but i'm more turned off by your hair. it's awkwardly tall. it should be at least half the height it is. wow.
glenn, bad idea. you may have thought the pattern on the front would have a slimming effect, but it doesn't. it's way too much and totally awkward. it's like all these crisscrossing arrows trying to draw our attention to different parts of your body. and the pattern underneath the crisscrossing, and the weird bottom of the dress. oh, it is just way too much. you look like a mermaid tangled up in dark seaweed and oil.
heidi, you are a beautiful woman with a great body, but two giants slits up the leg is a bit much. especially with the plunging neckline. i'm ten years younger than you and i wouldn't do it. one split is plenty. i don't wanna worry that i'm gonna see whether or not your kids were a c-section while i'm watching you on the red carpet. you don't have to cover up like the chick from Big Bang Theory, but lets try and pick one area of the body to show off at a time. it's just sexier that way.
julian, that's a lot of mustard. maybe if the color was on a different dress or that dress were a different color it would kinda work. but this is just gross. maybe it's just me, but there is something so unpleasant about that color. and to have that much of it in one spot would make me wanna turn away from you the second i saw you.
chick from Girls, i really only like this dress from the waistline up. but to have that lace pattern all the way down with that full of a skirt isn't very flattering. just makes you look really wide. i feel like an entirely different bottom of the dress wouldn't have been best. and please, try and smile occasionally.
chick from Game of Thrones, you look like a fortune teller at the Emmys. now i don't really know you. so maybe that is just how you dress on a regular basis. but if it's not, consider losing the black mesh poncho thing and just wear the dress underneath it. please!
Lucy, ive never really cared for you. i've never liked you in any roll you've done and in general you seem like a rather unpleasant person. so i have no problem telling you that you look ridiculous. like some sort of prostitute robot from the future. granted, a fancy prostitute robot, but still. maybe the bodice would be ok if it didn't look like the whole thing was covered in washers.
chick from Raising Hope, i really like you on that show but this doesn't work. it doesn't look like it fits you right. there are wrinkles and folds all over the place making the dress very unflattering on you. that's the problem with shiny material, it shows every imperfection, whether it's yours or the seamstress's. the general idea behind the dress is good, it just looks like it was sewn by a blind woman on crack.
phoebe, i have no idea what you are known for or why you were at the emmys, but this is just bad. first of all, please tell me your face is not frozen like that, because that expression will give me nightmares for a week. the flower on top is way too much, it's what you would see on a little girls church dress. and then the awkward shape of the bottom is too much. i don't need to see that much of your legs, the lining of the dress, or those orange shoes. too much!!!
this is the only dress i really loved and made me wish i could wear it.
sarah, i love you and you always look great. keep up the good work. and if i ever figure out where you live you are gonna have to put a lock on your closet :)
Saturday, September 22, 2012
Tim Minchin - comedian & musician
i recently discovered a new comic thanks to Stephen Fry's twitter page. here is Tim Minchin!
"Inflatable You"
he combines my love of music with my love of very sarcastic, smart, and occasionally dirty comedy :)
"If you open your mind too much your brain will fall out (take my wife)"
"Ten foot c*ck and a few hundred virgins"
he often gives religions a hard time, which i really like :)
"If i didn't have you"
"Woody Allen Jesus"
"Inflatable You"
he combines my love of music with my love of very sarcastic, smart, and occasionally dirty comedy :)
"If you open your mind too much your brain will fall out (take my wife)"
"Ten foot c*ck and a few hundred virgins"
he often gives religions a hard time, which i really like :)
"If i didn't have you"
"Woody Allen Jesus"
"Pope song"
"Not perfect"
("it's done stuff it wasn't built to do. i often try to fill it up with wine." love it!)
"Peace Anthem for Palestine"
"Cheese" - for the lactose intolerant :)
and then there's my favorite (which happens to be the most serious one)
"White wine in the sun"
i couldn't agree with this song more. it's like my family in that we celebrate a lot of the same holidays all the christians around us celebrate out of habit but we don't celebrate them for religious reasons but for secular reasons. it's quality family time. i'm just jealous of Australians that get to drink wine outside in the sun on christmas instead of hiding from cold weather inside. seems like it would make a perfect christmas :)
Monday, September 17, 2012
Halloween
holy crap, i love dressing up for halloween! i always have and now that i don't get to perform and be different characters and wear different outfits on stage, i love dressing up for halloween even more. it's just so much fun. i used to have a friend that would throw Halloween in July parties. that was great cuz i got to dress up twice a year :). so i started looking for costumes and already found a bunch of amazing ones. just wish i could wear all of them.
i did buy one of these already but i'm not telling which one yet :)
Monday, September 10, 2012
favorite sneakers
if you are like me, you have a hard time finding those sneakers that are just right. not just due to fit but also style and color. well, i found out that nike has a whole bunch of shoes that you can customize to your liking.
many styles to choose from here:
http://store.nike.com/us/en_us/?l=shop,pwp,c-1/hf-10001+12001+4294966954/t-All_Women's_Custom_NIKEiD_Shoes
but my favorite style is this one:
http://store.nike.com/us/en_us/product/cortez-id-shoe/?piid=25209&pbid=6701750#?pbid=6701750
here are some examples i made up real fast to show you how varied your options are :)
or even something that is similar to (but not exactly like) the ones i bought myself
wouldn't want a bunch of people walking around with my shoes now, would i? ;)
happy shopping!
many styles to choose from here:
http://store.nike.com/us/en_us/?l=shop,pwp,c-1/hf-10001+12001+4294966954/t-All_Women's_Custom_NIKEiD_Shoes
but my favorite style is this one:
http://store.nike.com/us/en_us/product/cortez-id-shoe/?piid=25209&pbid=6701750#?pbid=6701750
here are some examples i made up real fast to show you how varied your options are :)
happy shopping!
Monday, September 3, 2012
being ready for marriage and kids
the other day i was in a car with my parents and we saw a girl drive by in a bright barbie-pink mustang and i said, "that car is telling everyone that she is not ready for a mature/serious relationship anytime soon." this made my parents laugh. female immaturity is different from male immaturity. guys, when they are immature and not ready for a relationship, will act like male sluts and fuck anything that breaths. women, on the other hand, who are not really ready for a mature relationship are often overly girly and self-involved while simultaneously being obsessed with getting married and having kids. i know this is a stereotype and that there are immature girls who approach sex and relationships the way immature men do. but i have seen first-hand the destructive effects of the immature female who puts marriage before the actual relationship.
i have had few real romantic relationships in my life and none of them have lasted for that long. yes, i am picky. not to a crazy extent where one article of clothing a guy wears one time will change my opinion on him. i just know what i like and don't want to waste years some creep i either have nothing in common with or who treats me like crap. i often use the example of the types of women who aren't picky at all and the bad outcomes i have seen from this approach as my reasoning for acting the way i do. the sad thing is that, for the most part, i am really only talking about one person i know. i know a girl who can't stand to be single at all. i'm not sure i've ever known her to be single for more than 2 months and i've known her for a long time. it seems as though she will just turn whoever the next guy who comes along and asks her out into her next boyfriend.
the problem with this girl and girls like her is that she has no idea how immature she is and how not ready she is for a serious relationship. she is so focused on getting married and having kids that she doesn't seem to care who it is that she marries. she convinces herself that each next guy is "the guy" and changes who she is to match him. this girl i know has tried to turn at least the last 4 boyfriends she has had into her husband. she is so self-involved with her personal desires that she doesn't realize she keeps repeating the same pattern over and over again. it always ends terribly. there's always a ton of drama because she keeps trying to make it work with some random guy who is probably not even close to being right for her.
part of the problem is a lack of self awareness of who she really is. she has been doing this pattern so long that she has been conforming herself into what the guy wants her to be since she started dating in high school instead of discovering who she really is and finding someone to compliment her. i know that being alone can be scary. but, isn't the idea of waking up at the age of 30 and not knowing anything about yourself even scarier? what if you are 50 and you still don't know? and then how do you raise kids and teach them how to be themselves and discover who they are if you have no idea who you are?
i often think these kinds of people want marriage and kids for all the wrong reasons in the first place. maybe it's because of pressure from their family. maybe they were raised to believe that you aren't a real woman till you're married and pregnant. maybe they wanna show off to their friends that they can get married and have kids before they do. maybe they just wanna be a stay-at-home mom and never work a day in their life. whatever the reasoning, it's all bullshit. they are still just focusing on what they want without giving a crap about what anyone else wants.
when i was younger i thought, "yeah, i want to get married and have kids. but, jesus christ, not anytime soon!" i've seen my parents succeed at both of these and wondered how the hell they did it. they make it look so easy but everyone says it's so hard. are they freaks? can i ever find someone who i can have that successful a relationship with? will i ever be able to come close to being as good a parent as either of them? as i get older i don't stress so much, i think because i not only know them better and how they do what they do, but i also know myself better. i know how similar i am to them. if they can do it, i probably can too.
so yes, i do want to eventually get married and have a family some day. i don't have it all figured out. i don't know when i want to get married or where i want to live or how many kids i want or if i want cats or dogs or both. i think it's too selfish to make all those decisions on your own. a marriage is about 2 people. you have to both agree when to marry and how many kids to have and so on. i want to be an old married lady with my kids and grandkids coming over for christmas and running around the house. but also, a family is what you want it to be. so as long as i'm surrounded by loved ones until the day i die, i'm good.
Saturday, September 1, 2012
reading about religion 4 (Confucianism)
the most recent chapter i read in God Is Not One was about Confucianism. it's so different from the Christian religions i was surrounded by while growing up that it was kind of like a breath of fresh air. it's not better, it's just not the same bullshit i'm used to hearing. i think one of the most interesting thing about this religion, which is prominent in China, is that most people in China don't consider themselves as belonging to any one religion. there's a saying that Chinese are Confucians at work, Daoists at leisure, and Buddhists at death. i don't know enough about these subjects to fully understand the saying at this time, but i like the idea of pulling from different religions to get a more complete view on life.
Confucius is a guy that lived around 500 BC. he was very well educated on many different topics and became a teacher who, like Socrates, liked to teach by asking profound questions. he considered himself a transmitter of ancient truths. he identified chaos as the problem with the human condition and that the solution was order and the techniques to achieve order was through ethics and ritual. he taught his students to become an "exemplar person" by cultivating two qualities: ren (human heartedness) and li (ritual/etiquette/propriety).
Confucianism isn't about the afterlife and God. it focuses on our actions in the world, in particular our social relations. it focuses on how we can use rites, etiquette, and ethical actions to create social harmony. it became popular in China after a period of great turmoil, when the thing that was desired most was harmony. in Confucianism, the everyday world is profoundly spiritual. they treat seemingly ordinary interactions as sacred ceremonies. according to Prothero, "Confucians do affirm that our human nature comes from Heaven, that the good life is a life lived in accordance with this nature, and that a good state carries out the Mandate of Heaven."
Confucians always believed that every human had the ability to improve and even perfect themselves. they focused on relationships between individuals and felt that the only way to improve yourself was through your relationships with others. they say that these relations are hierarchical by necessity. they focus on five relationships: ruler/subject, parent/child, husband/wife, elder brother/younger brother, and friend/friend. each of these relationships is supposed to have two-way mutuality and reciprocity rather than one-way obedience. "parents and rulers are to care for their children and subjects, and children and subjects owe loyalty and respect to parents and rulers." Confucians also focus of five important values: human-heartedness, justice, propriety, wisdom, and faithfulness. social harmony is achieved by cultivating the five relationships and the five values.
there are aspects of Confucianism that sound nice to me. i like the idea of focusing on the spirituality of the everyday world. i also think the values it focuses on could make it a positive influence on its followers. but the idea of focusing so much on rites and behaving just so is not something that appeals to me. i can't control my every move like that. i've never been big on tradition and rituals in general and tend to rebel when someone tries to limit my behavior too much.
i know that in this modern world there is an updated version of this religion known as New Confucianism. they "attempt to be faithful to the core teachings of Confucianism but to state them in modern, universal terms, and in a dialogue with world cultures." this updated version may be more American-friendly and lack the anti-feminist feel that the older religion has. it will be interesting to see how this religion continues to develop and how it may or may not spread in America.
Monday, August 27, 2012
The Book Of Mormon musical
i haven't seen it, but would love to. i recently got the soundtrack to it so i thought i would share some of my favorite songs.
then the main characters get sent to Uganda
Love it!!!
Love it!!!
Friday, August 24, 2012
reading about religion part 3 (christianity)
i grew up in southern california where i was surrounded by christians. my grandparents are methodists, my parents went to church with them but weren't super into it, i was baptized methodist, and have vague memories of sunday school from a really early age. even then, i think my brother and i found a way of playing alone without listening to all the church stuff around us. my parents stopped taking us regularly to church when i was still pretty young and then we only had to go for christmas because it was important to my grandparents. for years we either brought video games to play, or played with the little flashlights that took the place of the candles (and pretended to be in star wars), or we wrote notes on whatever paper we could find instead of listening to whatever the dude in front had to say. the singing part was fun, except i didn't know any of the words or how to find the songs in the book.
i had heard the sort of general stories about christmas over the years but only had a vague idea of what it was for a long time. i think i was a teenager when i was in church, passing notes with my cousin when i asked her to explain the whole thing. i was dumbfounded. it made no sense to me. i couldn't understand why anyone would believe that. the more i heard about stories from the Bible, the more confused i was as to how anyone could believe these stories to be historical fact. to me they made more sense as fables: morals to be learned from interesting and exaggerated stories, but not fact to be taken seriously. who would believe that?
i guess you could say that my parents have become sort of mystics. they don't take doctrine too seriously, or follow it at all, and they feel their personal experience with God is way more important to their spirituality. my mom has told me about a spiritual experience she has when she was 19. since it is her experience, i won't be the one to tell it. but the overall feeling of the experience was the overwhelming realization that God is unconditional love. that's it. she realized there was no need to go to church every weekend and worry too much about what the bible or any other religion had to say on the matter. and as a kid i remember her telling me that all i needed to know was that God was unconditional love. since i felt that from my parents, i knew what that was and had no need to delve any deeper into it.
my parents raised me without this idea of heaven and hell to keep me from doing "bad" things. they taught me their ethical views and realized that learning from my mistakes was more important than scaring me into behaving correctly. i don't believe in heaven and hell and, therefore, the idea of "sin" makes no sense to me. we all make mistakes and we all have to opportunity to learn from them to become better people. why punish ourselves with guilt over past mistakes if we have learned from them? this is the main reason why i could never be a Christian. according to Stephen Prothero, in Christianity the problem with the human condition is "sin" and the answer that Christianity provides is "salvation." since i don't see the mistakes i make in life as sins, i could never need salvation.
the book God Is Not One goes into a lot of detail on Christianity, and so much of it is confusing to me. i literally wrote a bunch of question marks in the book next to several paragraphs because i just don't get it. lets go all the way back to the 10 commandments. i remember reading them on some weird christian jewelry my mom had tucked away from her childhood and wondering what the hell it was talking about. if you wanna understand my point of view on the subject, you just gotta watch this:
the story of Jesus baffles me too. i get that he was a guy with some good ideas who became a spiritual leader. but the details make no sense. ok, you like him a lot, i guess it makes sense that he is "the son of God" or something along those lines. but the story just sounds like one exaggeration after another. and i have never understood the whole crucified for your sins thing. the book says that He was a "savior whose suffering and death paid the price of human sin and offered us salvation." what the hell does that mean? if there's a train of thought there, i can't follow it. so this nice guy was killed by Romans who disagreed with him. how does that lead to the whole sin and salvation thing? obviously i haven't read up too much on this. but that has largely to do with instantly becoming confused and bewildered when i try.
and other things confuse me too. the whole garden of eden/apple thing is just strange. why give them fruit they aren't supposed to eat in the first place? and how can eating an apple be bad if it keeps the doctor away? and then the whole apocalypse/jesus returning thing doesn't make any sense to me either. in the book it says, "But the workings of God in human history will not be fully revealed until Jesus returns and the dead are called out of their graves and separated along with the living into the saved (who go to heaven) and the damned (who go to hell)." first of all, this sounds slightly zombie-ish. and then this idea that they aren't separated till He returns to earth. does that mean that everyone who has died so far is just hanging out, waiting to go to either heaven or hell? because i thought they said it was pretty instant, this heaven or hell thing. and where are they waiting, literally in their graves? what about all those people who were cremated and whose ash was blown into the wind? it just doesn't make any sense to me.
i will never fully understand Christianity. i will never understand the vampire-like practice of eating His flesh and drinking His blood. i will never understand the guilt that so many Catholics have for so many little things. i will never understand how anyone could ever be a Mormon. and i will never understand why christians want to be surrounded by the most depressing religious art i have ever seen. i think there are many aspects of the religion that are very positive and good for those who desire to follow it. but i will never be one of them. i guess Jesus is not my homeboy.
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