sigh :-/

     i'm having one of those weekends where i can't bring myself to do the work i know i need to do. a couple weeks ago was my spring break and i got done all the things that absolutely needed to be done right then, and then i just couldn't do anymore. i got frustrated trying to plan a hang out with an Orange County friend who just ended up blowing me off. kinda wasted a couple days waiting to hang out with him. but i relaxed and couldn't really bring myself to do anything else.
     and then last week was my first week at a new internship doing physical therapy with kids. it's pretty great but pretty exhausting. it's a really physical job and so many of these kids have cerebral palsy and they have all this tone in their muscles so when my boss/teacher is trying to teach me by having me do range of motion and muscle tests with them, i'm just working against all this resistance the whole time. by the end of the day i am completely spent.
     but of course there are always a million things coming up and i should be working on several things right now. but i just can't seem to do any of them. i just wanna stay in bed all day. i did make a few easter eggs look like characters from The Watchmen. that was fun. but then i watched the most recent episode of How I Met Your Mother and had a good cry. i think i'm bummed out a little cuz with all the stress of dealing with grad school, i have no one to come home to. sometimes i think a pet would help. but i don't know if my "roomie" (she is currently subletting a place in san diego but all of her stuff is still here) would let me get one since this is her dad's house.
     and i'm so over dating. i've been on so many dates for so many years. i'm tired of it. and i don't have a ton of free time to spend finding guys to date in the first place. i just want someone to come home to. i wanna have someone to watch movies and tv shows with. i wanna have someone to curl up in bed with every night. and i really need someone who can kicked me out of bed and get me to do the work i can't seem to do right now. sometimes it would just be nice to have someone hold my hand as i weather the storms. cuz grad school can have some really shitty storms.
   actually, for last week i have been crashing at my parents' place since they live closer to my internship. there are definite pro's and con's. i love them so much and it's so great to spend time with them. but it's a little crowded there. i'm actually staying on an air mattress in their office. it's not super comfy which is why i spent the weekend at my place so i can sleep on my bed for a few nights. i don't get work done at my parents house cuz i'd rather spend time with them. but then i come home and i'm too tired and bummed to do work here either.
     no solutions, just a countdown to summer. and thinking about the countdown only stresses me out cuz i think of all the work that needs to get done before then. ugh, being an adult sucks. wish i could just built a fort and act like a kid for awhile. but again, i wanna have someone being a kid in the fort with me. and i really could use a massage after sleeping on that damn air mattress. sigh :-/

where to live

            Sometimes I wonder how my life would be different if some of the technology and social media available today had been around just 10-ish years ago. When I was 19 in 2002, I tried moving to NYC to dance. It quickly became too difficult to be out there by myself. I was very stressed and very lonely. There was no facebook, skype, or the fancy smart phones to share texts and photos in a heartbeat. It seems a lot easier these days to stay in touch with loved ones who are far away than ever before. I wonder if I would have stayed in NY longer. If I would have stayed till I actually got into a company. If I could have become comfortable there with the life of a poor dancer working odd jobs to help pay the rent. Who knows what kind of different friendships and relationships I could have had there.

            I think ultimately I would have ended up back in California anyways. When I was younger I didn’t think about getting married or having kids. They seemed like things that could get in the way of a dance career. And when I realized I would be happier without the dance career, I started to think about those things. I know realize that I do want those things. And I came to the conclusion that if I could have it my way, I would probably stay in California. Not because the state is amazing or there is a city here that I just have to live in. It’s because my family is here. My oldest friends of 20 years are here. If I’m gonna get married and have a family someday, I wanna do it in driving distance of them. I want my children to grow up around them.

            I know that with this economy, people can’t be too picky about where they live. I know that when I finally graduate from my physical therapy program, I will probably have to move to wherever my first job happens to be. But if I get a choice, I want to raise my family near those most important to me. So I guess I’ll just have to see what life has in store for me. I used to think it would be romantic to move anywhere to be with the one you love. But you get older and realize that there are a lot of people you love. Hopefully I’ll get lucky and find someone I can start a family with here.