top 20 songs

awhile ago i shared my all-time top 20 favorite songs on facebook. amazingly it still holds up and since many of you didn't see that original posting i thought i would put it here with some videos and descriptions. 

20. Super Rad - Aquabats

it's just so fun and silly. makes me feel like a kid. or at least like me as a teenager going through my aquabats phase. i love how funny their songs are. and this song is definitely super rad.

19. Caravan - Van Morrison

i love the feel of this song. so laid back. and his voice has so much character. plus i always think of that episode of WKRP where Johnny Fever is rocking out to this song in the booth. makes me feel like doing the same whenever i hear it.

18. Northern Sky - Nick Drake

this song is so beautiful and romantic. i often get an image of falling rose petals in my head when i hear it. and his voice is so lovely. gets me lost in a daydream everytime.

17. Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots, Pt. 1 - The Flaming Lips 

the melody and the lyrics just put a smile on my phase. a pretty and laid back song about a hero defeating human-eating robots? i love how nerdy it is! plus it makes me wanna have a puppy named Yoshimi one of these days.

16. Nuvogue - Thomas Dolby

so my dad used to get all these computer animation vhs tapes of a series called Mind's Eye. i think thomas dolby did the music to all of them. but this is my favorite song of his. makes me wanna dance with jazz hands!

15. Oh Mandy - The Spinto Band

i still remember falling in love with this cd when i first got it and listening to it constantly for at least 3 months straight. this song was by far my favorite on the album. it had such a unique sound. and it seemed like the perfect teenage love song.

14. Nur ein Wort - Wir sind Helden

this isn't quite the same version of the song i have on my computer but it's closer to it than the one i found on spotify when i put this playlist on my profile. don't quite know what it's about, but it's the cutest little german pop song ever.

13. Stink - John Lurie

yes this song is from the Get Shorty soundtrack. this video is weird because it has the short version and long version back to back. so just skip ahead to 2:26 so you can hear the awesome version. i actually danced to this when i was in high school. it was a modern point solo. good times.

12. Would you...? - Touch & Go

my favorite version of this song is from the Forces Of Nature soundtrack and has a much more salsa vibe than this. still very fun. makes me wanna dance. 

11. This Must Be the Place - Talking Heads

this song always makes me think of my family. not just because of the lyrics, but also because my parents played Talking Heads all the time when i was a kid. and we would watch a vhs of Stop Making Sense a lot too. whenever i hear this song everything seems right with the world.

10. And She Was - Talking Heads

my favorite Talking Heads song. i've seen this video since i was a child and love it. such great lyrics. whenever i hear it i like daydream that it was written about me and that i'm the one flying around in the clouds. makes me feel like i'm 4 years old.

  9. I Wanna Dance With Somebody - David Byrne

obviously, i love David Byrne. he's a freaking genius. i love what he did to this song. it's amazing. makes me wanna dance even more than the original. 

  8. Rock 'n' Roll With Me - David Bowie

favorite Bowie song. it's rocks and it's totally romantic. makes me wanna sway a lit lighter back and forth above my head. 

  7. If She Wants Me - Belle & Sebastian

favorite belle & sebastian song. such a lovely feel to it. so light and sweet. and quite a romantic chorus, if you ask me. yes, there is a theme here. i love love songs. deal with it. 

  6. The Coast - Paul Simon

my mom used to play a lot of Paul Simon when i was little. my favorite album was Rhythm of the Saints. so interesting, beautiful, and different. this song just makes me feel good. and i love the lyrics. "To prove that I love you Because I believe in you Summer skies, stars are falling All along the injured coast"

  5. Pretzel Logic - Steely Dan

first off, i did not make this video and i am aware of what the very first picture in the slideshow looks like. so... my parents played Steely Dan all the time when i was growing up. i heard them sooooooooooooooo much. when i sing along i don't just sing the lyrics, i sing all the instrumental parts and silly noises too. it's fun. this is my favorite album and favorite song. it's just damn good music. and i have always wanted to do an awesome jazz dance to it. something smooth and sexy.

  4. Concrete Sky - Beth Orton

 have such a strong emotional connection to this song. right after i moved out to new york when i was 19 i found this album and i listened to it almost every night. it really spoke to me. with all the stress and loneliness i was feeling, this was just what i needed. just the right mixture of melancholy and hope. 

  3. They'll Soon Discover - The Shins

this charming little Shins song is from the Sponge Bob Square Pants Soundtrack. its very silly and happy and makes me wanna lounge on the beach and drink sangria. but then, i wanna do that most days.

  2. Your Arms Around Me - Jens Lekman

i instantly fell in love with this song when i heard it. it was in the movie Whip It. but i highly recommend that if you like this song you go find more songs by this guy. he is a very talented musician from sweden with a lot of great songs you've never heard before. i would totally wanna play this song at my future wedding if it weren't for the "blood spraying on the kitchen sink" part. anybody know how to edit music?

  1. That Girl - Esthero

this song has been my number one since i heard it in high school. it totally expressed how i felt back then. like some sort of alien that didn't belong. i didn't understand my classmates and they didn't understand me. i still feel that way sometimes. but i've managed to find more people over the years who do understand me and vice versa. plus this song is so beautiful. who couldn't love it?

roundabound

just because

how i wish i could dance

     back when i was 19 and dancing in new york, there was one day where the teacher asked all of us to say our all-time favorite choreographer. i honestly didn't have an answer at that point. the company i was taking classes with daily was the jose limon company and as much as i loved dancing in that style, it wasn't my favorite choreography. it was weird because the technique felt so natural on my body. but the actual dances that jose made were often very stark and dramatic and i tended toward the more lighthearted and fun dances. but over the years i got exposed to more and more dance companies and finally found 2 choreographers that i absolutely love.
     jiri kilyian choreographs for the netherlands dance theater, and his work is absolutely brilliant. it defies categorization. it's beautiful in it's combination of grace and strength. it's what i wish ballet was. jiri worked with a guy named nacho duato at some point in time (don't ask me specifics on dance history because i'm not an expert), who ended up choreographing for a company in spain called Compañía Nacional de Danza. nacho's style of choreography is very strongly influenced by jiri kylian, while still having his own spanish flare to it. i think if i had to choose between the two i would have to choose nacho. but i might be influenced by the fact that he has such a fantastic name. nacho duato. 
     now, if i had a different body all together that could actually dance like the women in their dance companies, i would probably dance like that all day everyday. i would work in their companies till my legs fell off. but my back, knees, and hips are a mess. i have very little extension in my back. and while i am much more flexible than the average person, compared to a professional dancer i am stiff with bad feet and limited turnout. the dance world has become extremely competitive and only total freaks of nature can thrive in it. if i could suddenly be one of those freaks i would enjoy dancing these pieces. but since i am stuck with this body i can only enjoy them from the audience. here are some strikingly beautiful dance pieces by my two favorite choreographers with two of the best dance companies in the world.


Jiri Kylian's Petite Mort:

Nacho Duato's Por Vos Muero:

i highly recommend seeing these companies perform live the next time they come to your town.

obscure movie suggestions

     i've found that a lot of movies that i love are ones that most people i've meet haven't seen. especially people my age. so i wanted to make a list of really good, not so well known, movies with a quick description so that others may be exposed to these fantastic films.

alright, in no particular order:

Submarine: fairly recent movie from england, i didn't recognize any of the young actors but the parents had familiar faces. an interesting, funny, and quirky movie about teenagers in love. really good soundtrack.

Everything Must Go: will ferrel's movie where he plays a drunk who's been locked out of his house by his wife with all of his stuff on his lawn. really good acting and really good music.

Jeff Who Lives At Home: jason segel, ed helms, susan sarandon. really good movie about a family with a little disfunction, confusion, and bad communication. jeff isn't just a stoner, he knows he has a greater purpose and will follow clues to figure it out. very satisfying ending.

Dirty Girl: newer movie that is set in the 80's so fantastic pink glitter titles. the two main actors play the teens that run off to california. i don't think i've seen them in anything before, but the parents are all very familiar. the dirty girl has a bit of an acerbic personality but you slowly see her softer side as she becomes friends with her classmate who drives her to california to find her dad. good drama. cute car dancing moments.

Our Idiot Brother: paul rudd plays a stoner who just wants to sell his vegetables and live in peace with his dog willy nelson, but ends up in jail and then his life falls apart and he has to rely on his bitchy sisters for help. they are way more fucked up than he is. he is at least a genuinely nice guy. very satisfying scene where he tells them to fuck off. lots of cute moments.

Viva Maria!: awesome older movie with bridget bardot. it's in french but set in mexico (i think, it's been awhile). she was the daughter of a revolutionary bomber in ireland who turns into a burlesque dancer with a traveling circus, who then leads a revolution in mexico against an evil dictator. or something like that. it's pretty damn awesome.

Hesher: joseph gordon lovitt plays this force of nature that brings chaos into a family that has lost the mother of a young boy. rainn wilson plays the husband who can't cope. very well acted. oh yeah, natalie portman is it it, randomly. good man drama.

Penelope: i just find this movie adorable. christina ricci plays a girls whose family is cursed and she is born with a pig face due to the actions of her dead relatives. she's been hidden away from society by her parents who are constantly trying to find her a husband who will break the curse, but they all run in terror. she runs away and makes friends for the first time. reese witherspoon plays her best friend and james mcavoy plays her love interest. really funny at times.

Stardust: Go See This Movie Now!!! great fantasy/comedy! if you liked the princess bride you will like this. lots of familiar faces in unfamiliar roles. very creative. very funny. good intensity. go see it now!!!

Ghost Town: not a scary movie, but a funny movie about ghosts. ricky gervais plays a guy who had to go in for a colonoscopy, and when he woke up from the anesthesia he could see and talk to ghosts. a funny romantic comedy that i think many guys would actually like. my brother loves it!

Seems Like Old Times: probably my favorite chevy chase movie. it also has goldie hawn and some other familiar faces. lots of hiding someone under the bed kind of moments. very funny. he's in legal trouble and goldie hawn plays his ex wife and a lawyer (weird, i know) who tries to help him. i think it was made in the 80's. it just makes me giggle.

Run, Fat Boy, Run: the team from shaun of the dead. dylan moran's character is much more likable. simon pegg plays a guy who lost his shot with the mother of his son but wants to win her back from hank azaria. he tries to prove himself by entering a marathon. directed by david schwimmer. some really funny moments. i love that you get to see dylan moran's ass at one point.

Away We Go: great movie for first time parents-to-be to see. maya rudolph and john krasinksi are a couple who are expecting. they realize they don't wanna live where they are once the baby is born and go in search of a city with family or friends nearby where they could raise their family. really touching and funny. maggie gyllenhaal plays an absolute loon! most of the soundtrack is by alexi murdoch, which i just love.

Big Trouble: lots of familiar faces including tim allen and scott lee. very silly and funny movie about a bomb on a plane and people trying to get it off. its so hard to describe this movie. it's so weird and funny. so many great lines that i still say to this day. only 90 minutes long so it moves quickly. stay till the end of the credits.

Born Romantic: small romantic comedy made in england in 2001. story of three guys who end up in a salsa class to win over the women of their dreams. craig ferguson is in it as one of the three guys and does a really good job. not too silly and girly for a guy to like it. my favorite line is where one guy says, "it's not just a crush, it's a stampede."

Paper Heart: quirky fake documentary that follows that chick from house and knocked up and that guy from the new girl who plays nick. she is in search for the meaning of love and interviews people about what love is. meanwhile she is having a difficult time letting go and being with her romantic interest played my micheal cera.

The Man Who Knew Too Little: a bill murray version of a spy movie. he is lead to believe it's all fake, but in reality he is succeeding at being a spy in a very pink panther kind of way. very silly and funny.

Court Jester: my favorite danny kaye movie. not as much singing and dancing as white christmas (which i like) and a hell of a lot funnier. very silly fencing scene. lots of quotable lines if you can remember them correctly. some surprising female actresses in it. and danny is just so lovable in it.

Vibes: oh my god, i loved this movie as a child! since it's been awhile since i've seen it i'm going to give you the netflix description of it: "Linked by their supernatural gifts, psychic hairdresser Sylvia Pickel (Cyndi Lauper) and psychometrist Nick Deezy (Jeff Goldblum) are recruited by treasure hunter Harry Buscafusco (Peter Falk) to help him locate his missing son in the mountains of Ecuador. But when they arrive in South America, Silvia and Nick discover that Buscafusco has actually tricked them into helping him find a lost city made of gold." so weird. i just love it. i wish i owned it on dvd.


     i'm sure there are more but those are the ones i could think of. i'm sure i spelled a few names wrong, but whatever. hopefully you'll see some of these movies or at least be open to seeing quirky little movies you have never heard of before. enjoy yourselves. 

antisocial cat lady

     i am currently on a summer break from grad school. have been since may 10th-ish. and i've been doing what i love, which is a bunch of nothing. i often feel like the only people i can be honest about my lazy, antisocial, hermit ways with are my parents, brother, and oldest friend. i know they won't make me feel bad for it. they might even say things that imply that they approve like "nice" or "i'm jealous." i don't feel like other people would react that way. 

     i'm spending my summer break much the same way i spent the summer breaks of my junior high and high school days, watching a lot of tv. i keep telling myself to exercise and clean the place up a bit, but that hasn't really happened in awhile. i recently bought about 10 dvds of movies that i've been making my way through. and there are a couple on netflix i've been meaning to see. i love doing this when i have a break. it makes me feel like i'm treating myself. having some special alone time (and no i'm not talking about masturbating) that can be whatever i want it to be. i love when i have a long enough break that i can get into this mode long enough that i finally get bored with it and start looking forward to school again. that's when i know the stress from the last semester is all gone.

     i feel like if i were to tell most people i know about my days they would immediately suggests things for me to do with my time. why don't you read a book? why don't you go to the beach? why don't you travel? ugh, why don't you all go fuck yourselves? it's my break. i can do with it what i want. i don't read books during my breaks cuz it feels like homework. i'm 29, i've grown up in southern california. i don't need to go to the beach for the 10,000th time. especially since i've spent the past 2 years in classes and have almost no melanin in my skin to protect me. and i did travel recently. i spent 10 days in colorado with my parents. i'm not a fan of flying. i had terrible allergies. and as much as i love my parents, i really shouldn't be forced to live with them again cuz i've gotten way to used to living alone. and holy lord, do they talk a lot. it's baffling. i know they are happy and they can do what they wanna do and live how they wanna live. but, wow. 

     i do enjoy leaving the apartment to do things when i have someone to do them with, problem is that involves a lot of planning now. i live at least 40 miles away from most of my friends. and with la traffic, that's annoying. they all have different schedules. they all have their own special trips and events that they have been planning with other people. it's a fucking bitch. so instead of spending my entire day on the phone trying to figure out the next person i could do something with and then driving at least an hour to see them, i hang out at home. it's cool. i like my company. i do talk to myself and i often make myself laugh. deal with it. it's called having an imagination. 

     i feel like most people will hear this and think that i will end up some crazy cat lady shut in, scaring the neighbors kids and complaining about loud parties. the thing is, i don't want to live alone forever, but i love it right now. and i love the idea of someday finding a guy who i enjoy living with. someone who doesn't talk too much about every little thing. someone who enjoys spending an entire day indoors, watching movies and baking cookies. and someone who can help me leave the house and do things i've never done before. maybe none of this makes sense to you. but hopefully there are a few other people out there that agree with me. 

hipster mustache 2: electric boogaloo

     so i have a playlist that i made at least a year ago and i only recently was able to come up with a title for it that i like. the playlist came together slowly. most of the songs were ones that i discovered thanks to kcrw's top tunes. i didn't really have a purpose for the playlist, just an idea of which songs would go well together. initially i just called it KCRW Top Tunes, but that just wasn't good enough.
     normally i come up with a fun title for a playlist first and then make the playlist based on the idea and the title. i love coming up with silly playlists with silly names. it gives me a chance to be creative and have a little fun. it's nice to have something that distracts me from all the annoying stress of grad school. and then getting to share my playlists with friends is really fun. i love that spotify gives me the opportunity to share my playlists without having to burn a bunch of cds for all my friends.
     once i got spotify, the first playlist i made just for spotify was called hipster mustache. i loved that title. it pretty much fits the music and puts a giant smile on my face. suddenly one day the idea of having a hipster mustache 2 came to my mind. but that wasn't enough. and then i was listening to this playlist randomly and it just came to me: hipster mustache 2 - electric boogaloo. it just had that extra something to make me love it. and it kinda fits the electric boogaloo part, i think, because to me a lot of the songs are ones you can dance to. i specifically would love to dance to them with maks (twitter.com/MaksimC) from dancing with the stars. there are so many dances i would want to do with him. especially the tango!!! hmmmm... happy dance fantasy :)

so here's the playlist if you wanna check it out. i have, i think, over 20 playlists on spotify so if you have spotify too i'm sure it would be a fantastic way to procrastinate.

wedding dresses

     yesterday i wore a wedding dress for the first time. since i have never been engaged, i have never gone wedding dress shopping before. but earlier this week my friend katie texted me asking if i would mind modeling vintage wedding dresses for some event her mom was planning. sounded like fun to me. 

     so katie's mom is a member of some community women's club thing and they planned this fashion show where all the wedding dresses were the ones worn by the members or their daughters. they had all the original photos on display and had 5 of us modeling the dresses. besides me and katie, there were 3 young girls who were 13-15 years old. they had to get these young girls to help because some of these dresses were soooooo tiny. katie had the opportunity to try the dresses on ahead of time so she knew she would be wearing one from the 60's and one from the 80's. so she decided to do this fancy updo that would work for both. since i suck at doing fancy hair and had no idea what decade i would be wearing, i just had my hair straight and down. 

here is the first dress i tried on:

it was an 80's dress but it was so tiny the 13 year old had to wear it instead.

so this was the dress i ended up wearing:

     it was made in 1947. i wasn't sure i'd be able to put it on at first. when i held it up it definitely looked like it would fit, but when we tried putting it on over my head it got stuck at my shoulders. it took 4 tries. the first three we kept stopping because we were afraid of ripping it. finally this one lady who had tried it on before and knew what to do just yanked it down and everything was fine. we pinned the veil on my head and it was awesome. 

     during the event we had to slowly walk around the room so that all the tables of women could see the dresses. it was a lot of fun with all the ladies smiling and clapping. i got to stop for pictures and have all these women tell me how beautiful i looked. they pointed out the woman who wore it and her husband while i was walking and at the very end the husband waved me over to him. i walked over there and he shook my hand and said, "i just wanted to see that dress again." how adorable is that?!?

     when i got backstage, which was the sunday room of a methodist church, the lady running the event quickly got me out of the dress with another yank. there was a lot of confusion as she told me she was going to get my next dress, when i wasn't even sure i had another dress to wear. so i basically stood around in my underwear for at least 5 minutes while i helped other girls in and out of dresses and tried to figure out if there was another dress to wear. there wasn't so i finally put my clothes on. 

     katie had some pretty fantastic dresses to wear. the hair she did was perfect for the 60's dress, which looked amazing on her, and the other dress was her mother's wedding dress from 1980. here are pics:

and here we are posing together :)

     when it was all done we got to look at all the old photos. katie and i kept pointing out all the amazing older dresses we wish we could have also worn for the fashion show. then katie's mom introduced me to the couple whose wedding dress i wore. they were so sweet. they are still married now, 65 years later. i felt so special and honored to wear their dress. i can only hope that a little bit of their good luck rubbed off on me and hopefully i can have as long and happy a marriage as they have someday. 

     afterwards katie and i joked about how those pics of us in wedding dresses together would make us look like a lesbian couple getting married. and since we had been confused for a lesbian couple before, it was particularly funny. (when she went with me to my high school reunion, at least a few people clearly thought we were a couple. but since i can't imagine having more fun with a guy that night, i don't give a shit.) so then we joked about what our lesbian wedding would be like. it's kinda too bad that we are both straight, because we have very similar tastes and would put on one hell of a party :)

dance movie

     there is a new dance documentary coming out. i guess it's already out in new york but i couldn't find any showtimes in the la area. but at some point i will have to see this movie. here is the trailer:

     i love a good dance movie. i own a few on dvd and this looks like one i will buy in the near future. what's fun for me are the familiar faces. three of the choreographers that were interviewed in the trailer are people whose companies i have seen live. two of them i've seen in person. one actually talked to me. there are some pretty good stories behind the sightings so i will share them now.

     with merce cunningham i both saw his company perform several years ago and got to see him in person once before he died in 2009. when i was in new york in 2002 i decided to take a couple classes at his dance school. just some basic modern classes with some random teacher. one time, right in the middle of the class, the music suddenly stopped and everyone stopped dancing. and then from one corner of the room merce cunningham appeared with his assistant and he slowly walking across the dance floor into his private room where he liked to do all his creative thinking. i believe he was in his 80's at this point so he wasn't dancing anymore, but even getting to see him that close was pretty great for me. he was a legend in my world and i was honored to get to be in the same room as him.

     the times i saw mark morris were far more entertaining though. i've seen his company perform many times and i love it because he always uses humor. once i even remember him dancing in a very silly way in his show, which he doesn't normally do. i actually saw him in person twice while i was in new york. the first time was a dance class. i had already taken a couple classes at his school with random company members when i saw that he himself would be teaching a ballet class one weekend. so i came to see what it would be like. it was by far the most fun and eccentric ballet class i had ever taken. he truly is a silly person. most of the time he enjoyed giving all his directions in an overly dramatic way. he would use big arm gestures to get the point across while holding onto a baby blanket that was wrapped around his shoulders like a shawl and had a cowboys and indians print on it. it was good fun. it was kind of amazing to hear the corrections he would give people. and he did give me at least one correction, which was awesome.

     the other time is saw him is a lot more entertaining story while also being humiliating for me at the moment. it was new years eve. i had gotten a free ticket to a party at a bar with my roommate and her friends where the ticket included two drinks and a glass of champagne at midnight. i believe i had more drinks on top of that and i know my roommate had a couple more than me. it was the first time i got good and drunk. that first time i turned my head and felt my balance off was so weird. the party at the bar was a lot of fun and my roommate and i were dancing and falling on each other all night. afterwards there were three of us girls walking back to our little apartment: me, my roommate, and my roommate's ballet dancing friend amy. by this time i was feeling more sober but my roommate was feeling very sick and was close to throwing up. amy and i each took an arm and helped her walk home. on the way home amy would wish everyone who passed by a happy new year. which was fine except she was kind of aggressive about it and if they didn't say "happy new year" back she said it more aggressively till they did. it was as we were walking through gramercy park that i realized that mark morris was walking towards us. i was immediately shocked at the surprise and couldn't speak. he saw me, saw my sick roommate and had a look of "oh that poor girl" on his face, and then was yelled at by amy as she wished him a happy new year. this of course scared him and he very sheepishly wished one back and then crossed the street to get away from us. i yelled at amy, "do you have any idea who that is? that was mark morris!" to which she replied, "who?" and annoyed i yelled, "stupid ballet dancers!" i was so embarrassed that he saw me in that moment and that we were "those scary girls he saw on new years." much later on i was able to see the humor in the moment. the ridiculousness of the situation made it a fond memory for me later on. it's one of the moments that made my trip to new york special. i will never forget the time my friends and i scared the shit out of mark morris. 

bleed american

       music can instantly make you remember things from your past. the album that always makes me think of summer and going to the beach is this one

     whenever i hear it i instantly think if the person who introduced me to it in the summer of 2002. we spent a lot of time together listening to this cd and running all over newport beach. he was a special guy and i never told him i had a crush on him. i was 19 and still not comfortable flirting much or telling a guy when i liked him and asking him out. i don't know how he felt and whether or not he would have gone out with me if i had asked. after that summer is when i moved to new york and he and i kinda lost touch.

     he is married now with a baby. do i still miss him and wish he were with me? nope. i'm good. but whenever i hear the music from that album i think of him and that summer. i think of how i didn't have the guts to do something about my feelings. and i think of how far i've come since then. life is full of lessons learned. you learn from trying to make a relationship work with someone who is not right for you. and you learn from the times you didn't even try. going through that and regretting not having been honest with him helped me to not be so shy and guarded in the future. 

     i had a lot of "what ifs" when i was young. guys i always wondered about if i had just had the guts to ask them out. since then i've had a lot of "nice tries" with guys i was honest with and it just didn't work out. i may not have found the right guy yet but at least i keep trying. 

here is a song that really represents one specific "what if"

be a friend

so i said i wasn't gonna be back till after june 3rd, but i can't sleep so i thought i would post my next blog. 


     it's hard not to use this blog to just bitch about whatever is going on in my life. i don't tend to want to talk about specific people because if they read it they will be all "what the hell? why didn't you talk to me about this in person instead of putting it on the internet?" cuz i know i wouldn't want people talking negatively about me on the internet, whether they name me or just make it obvious that they are talking about me. but in general, i get these patterns of issues with friends and all i wanna do is vent. i don't want to go to them about it, partially because i don't like confrontations, but also because i sometimes think that i'm just gonna make a big issue out of something small. but since i do feel like venting i'm gonna try and be as vague as possible.
     i think part of the problem is that different people react to stress in different ways. i personally need to relax and be as calm as possible for awhile after a very stressful semester at school. i need lots of sleep, lots of tv, and lots of quality time with the people closest to me. other people do things that i would think of as stressful. they would go on adventures that i would never go on. maybe it's dangerous, maybe it's physically demanding, maybe it's in an environment i'm not comfortable in, but either way it's the exact opposite of how i relax. so when a close friend keeps using all their free time to go on these adventures that i can't join them on, it really sucks for me. they were a part of my ideal plan for relaxing. i just wanted to go to the beach with them, get some good food with them, and have a few drinks with them. it's just so frustrating cuz i feel like if i ask them to stay for me, then i'm being the selfish one even though they are the ones making plans that they know i can't do with them. ugh.
     another problem of mine revolves around the fact that i grew up in orange county but i am currently living in la for school. i have friends in both areas and even though the distance between the two areas isn't big, neither group of friends have made an effort to go to the other city to meet the other group. all i want to do is share my orange county life, where i grew up, with my la friends. and i just wanna share my new apartment and school life with my orange county friends. i don't think it's too much to ask. so i don't get why i'm always the one doing all the driving to see my friends. it makes me feel like i'm the only one putting in any effort sometimes. i do have to make a special shout out to a friend from orange county who picked me up in pasadena and drove me to the burbank airport in the middle of the week. i didn't even ask, you just offered. it was incredibly kind of you to do that for me and i am truly thankful for you and your consideration. 
     i think part of why i need to vent is that it truly hurts my feelings when the people closest to me make me feel like i'm not worth the effort. i truly see my closest friends as members of my family. some i see as a sister or brother, some are cousins or aunts and uncles, but i treasure them and try to be considerate of their feelings as much as possible. so not feeling that consideration in return is very painful. now, i'm not writing this to try and guilt those closest to me. i'm really not talking about everyone i'm friends with. and i know i'm not always a perfect friend. but i think we could all use a reminder from time to time that we could do a better job at being a friend. we all like to think of ourselves as being a great friend to our friends. and whether or not you think i am talking about you right now, i think we could all use a moment of reflection. do we treat people as well as we think we do? are we as good of a friend as we claim to be? life is stressful and painful enough without us making it worse for each other. i think it's worth a moment of our time to think about.

now since i am optimistic about all my friendships and want to end this on a high note, here is a silly and happy song about friendship: