bleed american

       music can instantly make you remember things from your past. the album that always makes me think of summer and going to the beach is this one

     whenever i hear it i instantly think if the person who introduced me to it in the summer of 2002. we spent a lot of time together listening to this cd and running all over newport beach. he was a special guy and i never told him i had a crush on him. i was 19 and still not comfortable flirting much or telling a guy when i liked him and asking him out. i don't know how he felt and whether or not he would have gone out with me if i had asked. after that summer is when i moved to new york and he and i kinda lost touch.

     he is married now with a baby. do i still miss him and wish he were with me? nope. i'm good. but whenever i hear the music from that album i think of him and that summer. i think of how i didn't have the guts to do something about my feelings. and i think of how far i've come since then. life is full of lessons learned. you learn from trying to make a relationship work with someone who is not right for you. and you learn from the times you didn't even try. going through that and regretting not having been honest with him helped me to not be so shy and guarded in the future. 

     i had a lot of "what ifs" when i was young. guys i always wondered about if i had just had the guts to ask them out. since then i've had a lot of "nice tries" with guys i was honest with and it just didn't work out. i may not have found the right guy yet but at least i keep trying. 

here is a song that really represents one specific "what if"