be a friend

so i said i wasn't gonna be back till after june 3rd, but i can't sleep so i thought i would post my next blog. 


     it's hard not to use this blog to just bitch about whatever is going on in my life. i don't tend to want to talk about specific people because if they read it they will be all "what the hell? why didn't you talk to me about this in person instead of putting it on the internet?" cuz i know i wouldn't want people talking negatively about me on the internet, whether they name me or just make it obvious that they are talking about me. but in general, i get these patterns of issues with friends and all i wanna do is vent. i don't want to go to them about it, partially because i don't like confrontations, but also because i sometimes think that i'm just gonna make a big issue out of something small. but since i do feel like venting i'm gonna try and be as vague as possible.
     i think part of the problem is that different people react to stress in different ways. i personally need to relax and be as calm as possible for awhile after a very stressful semester at school. i need lots of sleep, lots of tv, and lots of quality time with the people closest to me. other people do things that i would think of as stressful. they would go on adventures that i would never go on. maybe it's dangerous, maybe it's physically demanding, maybe it's in an environment i'm not comfortable in, but either way it's the exact opposite of how i relax. so when a close friend keeps using all their free time to go on these adventures that i can't join them on, it really sucks for me. they were a part of my ideal plan for relaxing. i just wanted to go to the beach with them, get some good food with them, and have a few drinks with them. it's just so frustrating cuz i feel like if i ask them to stay for me, then i'm being the selfish one even though they are the ones making plans that they know i can't do with them. ugh.
     another problem of mine revolves around the fact that i grew up in orange county but i am currently living in la for school. i have friends in both areas and even though the distance between the two areas isn't big, neither group of friends have made an effort to go to the other city to meet the other group. all i want to do is share my orange county life, where i grew up, with my la friends. and i just wanna share my new apartment and school life with my orange county friends. i don't think it's too much to ask. so i don't get why i'm always the one doing all the driving to see my friends. it makes me feel like i'm the only one putting in any effort sometimes. i do have to make a special shout out to a friend from orange county who picked me up in pasadena and drove me to the burbank airport in the middle of the week. i didn't even ask, you just offered. it was incredibly kind of you to do that for me and i am truly thankful for you and your consideration. 
     i think part of why i need to vent is that it truly hurts my feelings when the people closest to me make me feel like i'm not worth the effort. i truly see my closest friends as members of my family. some i see as a sister or brother, some are cousins or aunts and uncles, but i treasure them and try to be considerate of their feelings as much as possible. so not feeling that consideration in return is very painful. now, i'm not writing this to try and guilt those closest to me. i'm really not talking about everyone i'm friends with. and i know i'm not always a perfect friend. but i think we could all use a reminder from time to time that we could do a better job at being a friend. we all like to think of ourselves as being a great friend to our friends. and whether or not you think i am talking about you right now, i think we could all use a moment of reflection. do we treat people as well as we think we do? are we as good of a friend as we claim to be? life is stressful and painful enough without us making it worse for each other. i think it's worth a moment of our time to think about.

now since i am optimistic about all my friendships and want to end this on a high note, here is a silly and happy song about friendship: