so as i have mentioned in earlier blogs, i have this semester off of school. i had a bunch of ideas of what i could do with my time and i haven't been very good at doing them. i'm procrastinating and delaying and avoiding like crazy. even when it comes to writing this blog, i put it off and do other unnecessary things. i keep not reading the 2nd half of the chapter on Hinduism from the book God Is Not One. there's something about the idea of "needing" to do something that makes me wanna go watch a tv show i've seen a million times. i must really need a breather from stress to be acting this way.
i realized the other day that i have been focused on school and stressed out by my classes for 8 years now. the past two were the worst because now i'm in grad school. i remember being in undergrad taking my 2nd semester of physics and being in the middle of a total shit storm and thinking "well, it can't get any worse." but it can. that class was so bad, the only reason i got an A was because i did so much better than the others in class that what should have been a C got curved up to an A. i'm so glad those engineer majors had no idea what was going on.
but when i really think about it, i've never really been truly lazy with nothing to do. ever since i was 3 i wanted to be a professional dancer. when i was 9 i realized i wanted to be a professional modern dancer. i was always working toward that goal. i was always dancing. even during my long summers off of school where i would spend all day watching tv in my pajamas, i still had to go to dance class that night. always working towards something.
when i realized i didn't want to be a dancer anymore it came with the realization that i wanted to go to school to be a physical therapist instead. no year off to backpack around europe. no odd jobs while i lived with 7 roommates by the beach. i just jumped right back into it. and i went hard at school. not only did i have to get a degree, i had to take all the requirements to get into the grad program. that meant lots of math and science classes. there's a reason why i didn't get my BS in 4 years. it was a long road.
and then right into grad school. i remember that first day at orientation, it was early and i was really tired and the head of the dept was doing a really good job at scaring the crap out of us. i literally sat there in denial thinking "well, this doesn't apply to me cuz i'm not really here and this isn't really happening." wow, what does that tell you? they spent an entire day talking about how stressful it is and all the different things they have set up to help you with that stress. and i thought "you really need ALL of that?" yup, they really do.
so i'm actually getting time off and i genuinely don't want to do anything. it took me awhile to get up the nerve to start taking a dance class where i'm just helping out since it's a dance class for people with Parkinson's disease. but i get so uncomfortable with new situations and environments that i put it off for a few weeks. i didn't know what it would be like, and what the people would be like, and how the drive there would be, and where i would park, and if they would actually want me there. i over think everything. i worry constantly.
i've been thinking about taking another dance class that is a modern class but it's at a different dance studio. i've never been. don't know how to get there, where to park, what to wear, or how to act. i don't know if i'm fit enough to even finish the class or if my body will give out half way through. just the drive there and back alone makes me anxious because i haven't done it. i don't know the tricks of where to turn, where i can get gas, where i can pick up a snack, the exact route back to the freeway. when i was younger and living with my parents i would have them drive somewhere with me either the first time i had to go there or we would do a dry run ahead of time and i would be the passenger so i could look for signs and really see everything without the pressure of having to be the driver. i get so worried that i will get lost.
i get like that with other things i have to do too. i have to get some intern hours done. but i don't know the PT that i would be working with. i don't know the days and hours. i don't know if they will let me work part time so i can still make it to the Parkinson's dance class every Wednesday afternoon. i don't know if it will be stressful like school or laid back. i don't know how much they will expect from me. i don't know if i will like it and come home everyday glad that i went or hate it and come home everyday wondering when i can stop going. and i just hate not knowing. so i stay home and watch tv.
all i really want to do right now is hang out. see a movie. get a meal and drinks with someone. watch a good show. listen to music. that's it. when i think about the semester coming up, i get anxious. when i think about getting back into it, i worry it will be just as bad as before. and when i hear my other classmates talking about classes i have to take a year from now, i get very anxious. they are so stressed out. just over worked and so tired. i'm really not looking forward to that. i just wanna stay in this lovely bubble of laziness as long as i can.
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