sigh :-/

     i'm having one of those weekends where i can't bring myself to do the work i know i need to do. a couple weeks ago was my spring break and i got done all the things that absolutely needed to be done right then, and then i just couldn't do anymore. i got frustrated trying to plan a hang out with an Orange County friend who just ended up blowing me off. kinda wasted a couple days waiting to hang out with him. but i relaxed and couldn't really bring myself to do anything else.
     and then last week was my first week at a new internship doing physical therapy with kids. it's pretty great but pretty exhausting. it's a really physical job and so many of these kids have cerebral palsy and they have all this tone in their muscles so when my boss/teacher is trying to teach me by having me do range of motion and muscle tests with them, i'm just working against all this resistance the whole time. by the end of the day i am completely spent.
     but of course there are always a million things coming up and i should be working on several things right now. but i just can't seem to do any of them. i just wanna stay in bed all day. i did make a few easter eggs look like characters from The Watchmen. that was fun. but then i watched the most recent episode of How I Met Your Mother and had a good cry. i think i'm bummed out a little cuz with all the stress of dealing with grad school, i have no one to come home to. sometimes i think a pet would help. but i don't know if my "roomie" (she is currently subletting a place in san diego but all of her stuff is still here) would let me get one since this is her dad's house.
     and i'm so over dating. i've been on so many dates for so many years. i'm tired of it. and i don't have a ton of free time to spend finding guys to date in the first place. i just want someone to come home to. i wanna have someone to watch movies and tv shows with. i wanna have someone to curl up in bed with every night. and i really need someone who can kicked me out of bed and get me to do the work i can't seem to do right now. sometimes it would just be nice to have someone hold my hand as i weather the storms. cuz grad school can have some really shitty storms.
   actually, for last week i have been crashing at my parents' place since they live closer to my internship. there are definite pro's and con's. i love them so much and it's so great to spend time with them. but it's a little crowded there. i'm actually staying on an air mattress in their office. it's not super comfy which is why i spent the weekend at my place so i can sleep on my bed for a few nights. i don't get work done at my parents house cuz i'd rather spend time with them. but then i come home and i'm too tired and bummed to do work here either.
     no solutions, just a countdown to summer. and thinking about the countdown only stresses me out cuz i think of all the work that needs to get done before then. ugh, being an adult sucks. wish i could just built a fort and act like a kid for awhile. but again, i wanna have someone being a kid in the fort with me. and i really could use a massage after sleeping on that damn air mattress. sigh :-/

where to live

            Sometimes I wonder how my life would be different if some of the technology and social media available today had been around just 10-ish years ago. When I was 19 in 2002, I tried moving to NYC to dance. It quickly became too difficult to be out there by myself. I was very stressed and very lonely. There was no facebook, skype, or the fancy smart phones to share texts and photos in a heartbeat. It seems a lot easier these days to stay in touch with loved ones who are far away than ever before. I wonder if I would have stayed in NY longer. If I would have stayed till I actually got into a company. If I could have become comfortable there with the life of a poor dancer working odd jobs to help pay the rent. Who knows what kind of different friendships and relationships I could have had there.

            I think ultimately I would have ended up back in California anyways. When I was younger I didn’t think about getting married or having kids. They seemed like things that could get in the way of a dance career. And when I realized I would be happier without the dance career, I started to think about those things. I know realize that I do want those things. And I came to the conclusion that if I could have it my way, I would probably stay in California. Not because the state is amazing or there is a city here that I just have to live in. It’s because my family is here. My oldest friends of 20 years are here. If I’m gonna get married and have a family someday, I wanna do it in driving distance of them. I want my children to grow up around them.

            I know that with this economy, people can’t be too picky about where they live. I know that when I finally graduate from my physical therapy program, I will probably have to move to wherever my first job happens to be. But if I get a choice, I want to raise my family near those most important to me. So I guess I’ll just have to see what life has in store for me. I used to think it would be romantic to move anywhere to be with the one you love. But you get older and realize that there are a lot of people you love. Hopefully I’ll get lucky and find someone I can start a family with here.

update, i'm 30 bitch!

Today is weird. Life is weird. My mind is all over the place but I feel like talking (or writing) so we’ll see how this goes.

            School started back up again. Back to life, back to reality (that’s a Dylan Moran quote). So I was really nervous about being in a classroom with 94 people I didn’t know. Luckily the one person I did know is awesome and introduced me to all these amazing people. The new friends I have made are so sweet and fun to be around. I only knew them a couple weeks when several came to my birthday party. I’m still a bit tentative when it comes to school in general but it’s a million times better than it was a year ago. I’m taking fewer classes but I’m still at school all day long and it’s exhausting. But having less pressure when it comes to grades is making a huge difference right now.

            Sometimes living in this culture is exhausting. It’s looked down on if you aren’t productive and always working hard. Sometimes I like being sick (like I am today) because it’s the only time when people tell me I “should” go home and rest. Guilt free relaxation and all it took was a little virus. I’m naturally the sort of person how wants to have relaxing, unproductive days at least once a week. It’s lovely. But only when I’m sick is it acceptable to sleep all day, watch DVDs in bed for hours, and eat yummy snacks. Sometimes I think I was supposed to live in Italy. Why can’t we all take naps in the afternoon, stay up late drinking wine with friends, and go hang out all day eating gelato and enjoying beautiful architecture and art? Maybe it’s the artist in me, the one that needs to “feed my soul” and live my life for pleasure more than productivity. I don’t want to be remembered for my career. I want to be remembered for my loves. I get weighed down by too many “should”s and get tempted to run away to Europe. Maybe one of these days I will find a way to go back and forth between here and there. Till then I will have to settle for my “me” days and tell the world to fuck off.

            My 30^th birthday party was a blast. I had never thrown a party like that before with all the decorating and the planning. It was actually fun dealing with all the details of it. I did learn that you could, in fact, use scissors to the point of pain. I’m still tender to touch on this one part of my thumb. It was amazing bringing friends who didn’t know each other together. Made me realize what amazing taste I have in friends. Some of the people who couldn’t make I genuinely am not unhappy with, I just would’ve loved to have their company that night. But there are some I am genuinely unhappy with.

             I guess I thought of my “bar friends” as being real friends. But apparently most of them can’t be bothered to hang out with me unless they happen to run into me at the bar they already were planning on going to that night. It’s not like I was asking them to drive 100 miles for some random, inconsequential hang out. It was my 30^th birthday. It’s a big one. And then, on top of not going to the party, most didn’t respond to the invite at all to let me know either way, or even wish me a happy birthday. I’m sorry, I just assumed that our “friendship” meant that they respected me enough for that kind of courtesy and thoughtfulness. It makes me never want to go to that bar again. Which isn’t hard considering it is now 40 miles away. I was gladly driving there and figuring out sleeping arrangements so that I could see them fairly regularly, but I guess that effort was in vain.

            So I’m here, feeling about the same as I did before my birthday. No big answers figured out. Not quite living the “grown up” life of other people my age. I’m not married. I don’t have kids. I’m still living off student loans and help from my parents because I’m too busy with school to have a job that allows me to be fully independent. Not that independence is all that it’s cracked up to be. Regardless of how I depend on them, whether financially or emotionally, I will always be dependent on my loved ones. I know I never want to be too far from them or go too long without being in touch with them. I have to start thinking about the big internships I have coming up next year. There are a lot of clinics in different states that I’m sure would be easier to get due to decreased competition for them, but I can’t bear the idea of not being in driving distance of my family and closest friends for more than a couple weeks. So I’m really only looking at the LA area, Orange County area, and San Diego area. San Diego wouldn’t be perfect but I could drive up on the weekends or have visitors there without it being a giant headache.

            Still nothing figured out when it comes to love. I have no idea who I should be with. I feel like whenever my friends think I should be with someone it’s cuz they see how similar I am to that person. But I don’t wanna date myself. I don’t want someone too similar to me. But since I don’t know what I want, I’m stuck with suggestions and hints that make me uncomfortable. I was watching the movie Seeking a Friend for the End of the World and found myself identifying with this one aspect of Kiera Knightley’s character.  She said she had parents who were so perfect for each other that she couldn’t bring herself to marry anyone who wasn’t as good a match for her as they were for each other. I just haven’t felt remotely close to finding the right match yet. And I’m the sort of person who, once I have figured out that I can’t see myself ending up with someone, won’t just stay with them so I’m not alone. I can’t do it. So I’m always alone.

            It would be nice to finally have a date for Valentine’s Day. But I’m not gonna go out with someone I really don’t want to be out with just so I have a date on Valentine’s Day. Having a crappy date with someone I don’t like seems like a much worse time than hanging out by myself at home. If I can hang out with friends instead, great, but I don’t wanna hear them complain about being alone on Valentine’s Day. I don’t wanna hear someone who always has a date for it complain about the first time they don’t. It’s childish to think that that day can’t be worthwhile without a date. It’s just another day. And if you’re a girl who likes the color pink, then at least you get to be surrounded by pink things everywhere you go. And you get to laugh at the people who take it too seriously and just end up ruining it for themselves. Having had a lifetime of no Valentines, I think I’ll know how to appreciate one when it comes my way. So, to my friends with Valentines who give them chocolates, enjoy. And I’ll help you finish those, if you want.

            And I’m really looking forward to having cable and internet again. The old system ran out last week and the new system doesn’t get set up till Friday. And using my phone as a “mobile wi-fi hotspot” is a pain in the ass cuz I really don’t get good reception here. Now, I think I’ll go spend the next three hours trying to watch one of my favorite tv shows online :/

the color yellow

     i will be moving into a friend's place soon. she will be in san diego for the majority of the first four months i live there, which is fine since i'm used to living alone. i'm looking forward to living there. i like her. i like the area. for the most part, i think this will be really great. there are only a couple downsides. the traffic to school will increase. but, whatever. what i'm looking forward to the least is how yellow and orange her place is. she has painted the entry room/dining room bright yellow (like, burn your eyes bright yellow), the hallway is bright orange, and the living room is white but the giant curtain is bright yellow so that when sun shines through it the whole room is yellow.
     she loves the colors yellow and orange. it helps that she can wear those colors without looking like she should be in the waiting room of a hospital. they make her feel happy and energetic and i guess give her warm summery feelings in general. i have always hated them.  intensely. apparently, as a toddler my parents tried putting a yellow dress on me and i made a disgusted face and immediately started pulling it off. i can't explain it. i don't have any intense negative memories connected to the color. but it makes me so uneasy and just agitated in general.
     the weird thing is i can really enjoy those colors on things like leaves and flowers. i can enjoy a field of poppies or a tree filled with yellow leaves about to fall to the ground. but i never wanna wear the color or see it on buildings. hints of it can work in artwork. but i don't want to have yellow and orange be the colors that surround me. recently i wore a halloween costume that had some yellow in it. my dad was amazed that i wore anything with yellow. but it was halloween, i was only gonna wear it once, it was super flattering, it was of a character i loved, and when i wear it while drinking i really don't have to look at it that much. but the idea of trying to relax in a room that is yellow at the end of the day is making me a little nervous. i don't know how well i will be able to put up with it.
     i know its her place and she has the right to paint it however she wants, but i'm worried that i will end up hiding in my room a lot just to get away from it. i kinda wish i could at least change the curtains in the living room to a light peach color. just to bring the amount of yellow down some. i don't know if i will confront her about this or just try and put up with it, but it is literally the only thing i am worried about when it comes to moving in with her. it seems so silly, but i have such a strong visceral reaction to that color.
    i was looking up stuff about color psychology and how people perceive the color yellow and it seems to be one of those colors that you either love it and it makes you feel amazing or you hate it and it makes you feel awful. it has even been shown in studies that people are more likely to get into arguments in  yellow rooms and that babies have a harder time falling asleep in them. and, it causes retinal fatigue faster than any other color. i personally often just feel like i'm being attacked when i'm surrounded by the color.
   so, like i said, not quite sure what to do about it. i'd like to live there with her at least till i'm done with grad school. i can only hope that i can live there without it really becoming an issue. it would suck if the color yellow ruined a perfectly good living situation. at least my new bedroom won't be yellow. sanctuary!

the big three-oh

     i turn 30 this winter. i wanna do something a little more special than normal but figuring out exactly what to do isn't easy. there's a few problems. one of which is that i live in Pasadena now and have some friends in the LA area, some friends in the orange county area, and my best friend all the way out by lake elsinore. i'd love to get as many of them to go as possible but finding the right location isn't easy. my orange county friends don't often go up to LA so i'm tempted to find a good spot in orange county. i want it to be a place where we can get dressed up, dance and have fun. i also really want to make sure there is no cover charge.
     there's also the problem of knowing when to do it. my birthday is at the end of january and the past two years it's been hard to get my school friends to come out for it cuz it's a few weeks into the semester and they often complain of being tired or having too much to do. so i was thinking of having it before the semester starts. this would mean it would be january 4th or 5th. but january 5th is my best friend's 29th bday. she doesn't know what she will want to do for hers yet. i'm hoping it will all work out. i absolutely don't mind having it be a double bday party. i don't care if we are both wearing tiaras and inviting a ton of people, i'd just rather find a day when she can come than a day when she can't.
    since i wanna have the drunken celebration early in the month, a few weeks before my bday, i figure i should still do something a little special the weekend of my bday. i've recently gotten into anti-gravity yoga. it looks something like this:

although it will take me awhile to get the arm strength to do this:

swinging like this is super fun!

and this is one of my favorite parts:

it's like being a cocoon. and it's so comfortable to just lay in it. i wish i could have my own to play and lounge in whenever i wanted. maybe one of these days...

anyways, it's made me realize that i would love to eventually take aerial classes like hoops, trapeze or silks like this: 

i also found out there is a place in LA where i can actually take a lesson on a flying trapeze like this

i realized that anti-gravity yoga would be a good place to build the arm strength i need to move on to these classes. so i think it would be really cool to take a trapeze  class for my 30th birthday. and if any of my friends wanna come and watch or even take the class with me, that would be awesome. and then obviously i will need some wine afterwards. i just think it would be a really cool, unique, fun thing to do for my birthday. i doubt i will be very good but at least i can say i tried it and i may even do it more than once.

so, if any of my friends have any suggestions on where to do the celebrating in early january, please let my know. hopefully it will be a fun night with good friends and good drinks. and if i can't see everybody that night, hopefully i can schedule special hang outs with the friends that miss it. i just wanna have some memorable times with my favorite people in this world.

adorable baby's 1st birthday

my favorite little girl turned 1 today :)

Happy Birthday Madilyn!

reading about religion 6 (Buddhism)

    ive been looking forward to this chapter. i think it was the most talked about religion in my childhood with my new age parents. i love the movies Little Buddha and Seven Years in Tibet. i've read the book Siddhartha by Hermann Hesse. and lately ive been following the Dalai Lama on Twitter. i think part of what is so appealing about it is the way the Buddha is portrayed. i grew up seeing all the depressing images of christianity. all the artwork is so dark and sad and Christ is always on the crucifix or about to be on it looking sick and hungry and beaten. but in Buddhism the Buddha is just sitting around with a smile on his face. and then there's the Laughing Buddha. adorable! the artwork is so beautiful and peaceful. love it.
    so the chapter starts off with the story of Siddhartha who becomes Buddha. i recommend seeing the movie Little Buddha for this. it's beautiful and shows the story well. plus it shows lots of other aspects of Buddhism. plus Keanu Reeves plays Siddhartha. what?!? he goes from being a prince born in luxury who becomes an ascetic who starves himself for his spirituality and then finds The Middle Path. he becomes The Awakened One. he was sitting under a tree and vowed to stay there till he figured out "the secret of our everlasting wandering from rebirth to rebirth." after 49 days it came to him. he saw that all things are impermanent and ever changing and we suffer because we wish the world were otherwise.
   buddhism is a lot like Hinduism in many ways. they both believe in reincarnation and karma. and they both want to be free of the cycle of rebirth because this world is full of suffering and happiness is only temporary. in Buddhism the problem with the human condition is the karma-fueled cycle of life, death and rebirth (samsara, same as Hinduism) but the solution is nirvana, which means extinguishing suffering. according to Buddhism there are Four Noble Truths: life is marked by suffering, but suffering has an origin, so it can be eliminated, and the path to elimination of suffering is the Noble Eightfold Path.
   The 8-fold path includes: right understanding, right thought, right speech, right action, right livelihood, right effort, right mindfulness, and right concentration. that all sounds like a lot of pressure to me. to be "right" about so many aspects of your life. but it all comes down to "be kind, be wise, be mindful." that i can work with. it's the idea that human beings can solve the human problem on our own, without help from above. there is an emphasis on experience over belief. in fact, Buddhists don't see Buddha as being divine, he was a path finder and Buddhism spread because it had a powerful story. Buddha "taught his listeners not to be seduced by the authority of any text, tradition, or teacher (even himself), but to discover for themselves how to live an authentically human life."
    There are three main branches of Buddhism: Mahayana (which is very similar to Hinduism and is the most popular because you don't have to be a monk to reach nirvana), Theravada (where you do have to be a monk to achieve nirvana but if you aren't you can get merit towards a better life next time), and Vajrayana which is also known as Tibetan Buddhism and is the one the Dalai Lama practices. Tibetan Buddhists use mantras or sacred chants, they have reverence for the lama (guru or teacher), they have many practices that are passed down in secret from lama to student, and they have practices that are derived from Tantra. you might be surprised to find that most Buddhists don't meditate. much the way Hindu's have devotion to the God of their choice, some Buddhists show devotion to the Buddha (there are many) or bodhisattva of their choice.
   there are some ideas in Buddhism that are hard to explain and even harder to grasp. they say there is no self and no soul. which gets kinda confusing cuz, then, what are we talking about here? and then there's the idea of emptiness. it sounds daunting and depressing but it really isn't. it's freedom. i'm not gonna try and it explain it cuz i wouldn't know how to on here. so if you wanna learn more about it, just go look it up. but there is an ''implication of emptiness that we are all already Buddhas. It is the dualistic mind that sees Buddhahood as something different from us." they say that nirvana isn't something you have to wait for until you are dead. you can reach it here in this life. and that being a Buddha is not being an "omnipotent spiritual superman", but becoming a true human being.
   the idea of empitness says that there is no distinction between samsara and nirvana. it says that nirvana is inevitable. it is already here. "all we need to do is step out of the closed either/or mind to open the heart of emptiness. Samsara is nirvana if you just accept things as they are. ...There is nowhere to go, nothing to wait for. This is it." there is another great part of the book that says "you can't get to nonduality with the dualistic mind. You can't think your way to nirvana; it comes when you are out of your mind." i love that. sorry if that was hard to understand, the idea of duality and nonduality is not something i wont to go into here. i learned about it in my Mysticism and Meditation class at OCC. this might seem strange and foreign to a lot of my christian friends and relatives, but it's the most familiar religion to me. in a lot of ways i totally get it.
    i wanna learn more about Buddhism, i especially wanna get some of those books from the Dalai Lama. i love his peaceful smile. it's funny though, sometimes when i read his tweets about always being kind and patient with everybody i find myself thinking "you've never driven in LA traffic." i'm not sure if i will ever call myself a Buddhist, but it's a lot more likely than me calling myself a follower of any other religion. and now i wanna watch Little Buddha again. wish i had it on DVD.