Fighting anxiety with joy

     As I mentioned in the previous blog, I've had a history of panic attacks since last Fall. When they first started, the thing that calmed me down the best was being hugged by somebody close to me. Even then it could easily take 30 minutes before I started feeling like myself again. I met a doctor who told me to pick an object to focus on and just breath deeply. That kinda helped but I still could have really bad attacks where I just couldn't stop these negative, worrisome thoughts that there was something physically wrong with me which was at the root of all my panic attacks. If I had any amount of heartburn or stomach pain it felt like I was having real heart problems. I kinda think that if I could had gotten a full cardiac work-up done, it may have allayed my fears and reduced the severity of my panic attacks. But I didn't know for sure what was going on with my body and the attacks just kept coming.

     Then one day I bought a dog. Actually, I texted my mom late at night with the phrase, "I need a dog now!" She found one for my by the next day. That's how I got Axl. 

He is the cutest little pomeranian. He was only 2 months old when I got him. He was so small and fluffy, I could just die. In general, having him in my life instantly made me calmer and happier. The first time I had a panic attack after I got him, it was really bad. It just kept coming back all night. I ended up in tears, hugging my roommate and she finally put me on the floor and made me do breathing exercises. After a couple minutes Axl came over and started licking my forehead. He made me laugh and my panic attack was dramatically reduced instantly. From then on, if I had a panic attack at home I would just go play with Axl and focus on how cute he was and how happy he made me feel. My panic attacks were getting shorter and shorter. 

     I found that even if he wasn't around when I had a panic attack, thinking about things that made me happy or laugh made my panic attacks stop. It started to become longer and longer between attacks. It had been over a month since I had had one when I was at the CIrque Du Soleil performance of O in Vegas and had such terrible heartburn that I started getting a panic attack right in the middle of the show. I took what I had learned from my experiences with my dog and just focused on the joy of the moment. The show was amazing and just focusing on it and how much I was enjoying it was enough to make it stop in less than a minute. And that's when I really started to realize the power of joy to overcome anxiety. 

     The other day I was looking on Pinterest and there was this picture:

And it made me realize how much I love the phrase "joie de vivre." It has such a wonderful meaning.

So when I was in yoga class and they asked us to focus on a mantra, I chose "joie de vivre." It put a smile on my face and made me feel warm and calm. 

     I have never been someone who makes goals for my life and five and ten year plans. I've never really known what I would say if I was asked those questions in an interview. At the most, right now my goals are to graduate from grad school and pass the boards so I can work as a physical therapist and do something I actually love doing. But I have no specific goals for which city to work in, or which place to work at, or what kind of promotions I want to get in the future. I would like to get married and have kids, but I don't think you can really call it a life goal. I don't know if it's how I see goals or how I see the world. But life just seems to fluid and mysterious. You can't plan every major life event. So if I did have to have a life goal outside of school, I think it would be to try and live every day with joie de vivre. With that as my goal, who knows what amazing things life may throw at me. And hopefully I will be making the most of every minute.