Today is weird. Life is weird. My mind is all over the place
but I feel like talking (or writing) so we’ll see how this goes.
School
started back up again. Back to life, back to reality (that’s a Dylan Moran
quote). So I was really nervous about being in a classroom with 94 people I
didn’t know. Luckily the one person I did know is awesome and introduced me to
all these amazing people. The new friends I have made are so sweet and fun to
be around. I only knew them a couple weeks when several came to my birthday
party. I’m still a bit tentative when it comes to school in general but it’s a
million times better than it was a year ago. I’m taking fewer classes but I’m
still at school all day long and it’s exhausting. But having less pressure when
it comes to grades is making a huge difference right now.
Sometimes
living in this culture is exhausting. It’s looked down on if you aren’t
productive and always working hard. Sometimes I like being sick (like I am
today) because it’s the only time when people tell me I “should” go home and
rest. Guilt free relaxation and all it took was a little virus. I’m naturally the
sort of person how wants to have relaxing, unproductive days at least once a
week. It’s lovely. But only when I’m sick is it acceptable to sleep all day,
watch DVDs in bed for hours, and eat yummy snacks. Sometimes I think I was
supposed to live in Italy. Why can’t we all take naps in the afternoon, stay up
late drinking wine with friends, and go hang out all day eating gelato and enjoying
beautiful architecture and art? Maybe it’s the artist in me, the one that needs
to “feed my soul” and live my life for pleasure more than productivity. I don’t
want to be remembered for my career. I want to be remembered for my loves. I
get weighed down by too many “should”s and get tempted to run away to Europe.
Maybe one of these days I will find a way to go back and forth between here and
there. Till then I will have to settle for my “me” days and tell the world to
fuck off.
My
30th birthday party was a blast. I had never thrown a party like
that before with all the decorating and the planning. It was actually fun
dealing with all the details of it. I did learn that you could, in fact, use
scissors to the point of pain. I’m still tender to touch on this one part of my
thumb. It was amazing bringing friends who didn’t know each other together.
Made me realize what amazing taste I have in friends. Some of the people who couldn’t make I genuinely am not unhappy with, I just
would’ve loved to have their company that night. But there are some I am
genuinely unhappy with.
I
guess I thought of my “bar friends” as being real friends. But apparently most
of them can’t be bothered to hang out with me unless they happen to run into me
at the bar they already were planning on going to that night. It’s not like I
was asking them to drive 100 miles for some random, inconsequential hang out.
It was my 30th birthday. It’s a big one. And then, on top of not
going to the party, most didn’t respond to the invite at all to let me know
either way, or even wish me a happy birthday. I’m sorry, I just assumed that
our “friendship” meant that they respected me enough for that kind of courtesy
and thoughtfulness. It makes me never want to go to that bar again. Which isn’t
hard considering it is now 40 miles away. I was gladly driving there and
figuring out sleeping arrangements so that I could see them fairly regularly,
but I guess that effort was in vain.
So
I’m here, feeling about the same as I did before my birthday. No big answers
figured out. Not quite living the “grown up” life of other people my age. I’m
not married. I don’t have kids. I’m still living off student loans and help
from my parents because I’m too busy with school to have a job that allows me
to be fully independent. Not that independence is all that it’s cracked up to
be. Regardless of how I depend on them, whether financially or emotionally, I
will always be dependent on my loved ones. I know I never want to be too far
from them or go too long without being in touch with them. I have to start
thinking about the big internships I have coming up next year. There are a lot
of clinics in different states that I’m sure would be easier to get due to
decreased competition for them, but I can’t bear the idea of not being in
driving distance of my family and closest friends for more than a couple weeks.
So I’m really only looking at the LA area, Orange County area, and San Diego
area. San Diego wouldn’t be perfect but I could drive up on the weekends or
have visitors there without it being a giant headache.
Still
nothing figured out when it comes to love. I have no idea who I should be with.
I feel like whenever my friends think I should be with someone it’s cuz they
see how similar I am to that person. But I don’t wanna date myself. I don’t
want someone too similar to me. But since I don’t know what I want, I’m stuck
with suggestions and hints that make me uncomfortable. I was watching the movie
Seeking a Friend for the End of the World and found myself identifying with
this one aspect of Kiera Knightley’s character. She said she had parents who were so perfect for each other
that she couldn’t bring herself to marry anyone who wasn’t as good a match for
her as they were for each other. I just haven’t felt remotely close to finding
the right match yet. And I’m the sort of person who, once I have figured out
that I can’t see myself ending up with someone, won’t just stay with them so
I’m not alone. I can’t do it. So I’m always alone.
It
would be nice to finally have a date for Valentine’s Day. But I’m not gonna go
out with someone I really don’t want to be out with just so I have a date on
Valentine’s Day. Having a crappy date with someone I don’t like seems like a
much worse time than hanging out by myself at home. If I can hang out with
friends instead, great, but I don’t wanna hear them complain about being alone
on Valentine’s Day. I don’t wanna hear someone who always has a date for it
complain about the first time they don’t. It’s childish to think that that day
can’t be worthwhile without a date. It’s just another day. And if you’re a girl
who likes the color pink, then at least you get to be surrounded by pink things
everywhere you go. And you get to laugh at the people who take it too seriously
and just end up ruining it for themselves. Having had a lifetime of no
Valentines, I think I’ll know how to appreciate one when it comes my way. So,
to my friends with Valentines who give them chocolates, enjoy. And I’ll help
you finish those, if you want.
And
I’m really looking forward to having cable and internet again. The old system
ran out last week and the new system doesn’t get set up till Friday. And using
my phone as a “mobile wi-fi hotspot” is a pain in the ass cuz I really don’t
get good reception here. Now, I think I’ll go spend the next three hours trying
to watch one of my favorite tv shows online :/
